Fact:

I'm in love with Patrick.

He makes me happy.

I miss him a lot.

I wish he was home.

:(

More than the stars in the sky,

I'll be there.

Patrick has been singing that the whole time I've been on the phone with him. So now it is stuck in my head and I'm probably gonna have to download the freaking song now. He is so cute. :) I love him so much. But he's scaring me a little bit, haha. He was talking about getting engaged before he leaves. Really? Not that I don't want to be with him, but getting engaged already. It's kinda scary. And a little weird considering we've been together for like 2 months. Even though we have been ridiculously close for over a year now. But I really really really miss him. And he's only been gone a day.

I saw French today, my long lost friend. He's so awesome and I definitely wanna hang out with him again. He kills me. And we can talk about stuff like we've known each other forever. Even when we run out of things to say it doesn't feel awkward or anything. He's pretty cool. I missed him a bunch when he moved, I'm glad he's back. Oh, he's gonna do my tattoo for my birthday. I'm excited. :)

Patrick is here :)

"I learned that Ciera mounts animals"

Thank you Mr. Beane. Now I have to hear Chad and Clint talk about me "mounting" animals until the get tired of laughing about it.

I love that class, sometimes.

Patrick comes home today! :) I'm very excited. I haven't seen him in over a month now. It's killing me. He needs to be closer. Or my mom needs to let me out more, so I can go see him. But I know that won't happen. 9 more months until I'm done with school and have more freedom.

I hate stir fry

Good news and Bad news

Patrick. :)

Makes me happy.

I miss him sooooo much. He is so cute, and sweet and funny and the most amazing person I've ever met. He pisses me off so bad sometimes and makes me want to scream. But when it comes down to it, I love him. A lot. He's my best friend.

He called me and said that he had some good news and some bad news. The good news was that he doesn't leave for a month in October. He just told me the bad news is that he leaves for Afghanistan in January. My eyes started watering. Luckily I had my sunglasses on. And since Austin was in the car it was easier to not cry, considering I can't cry in front of people. I'm going to be away from my best friend for that long, worrying, and being upset. This is going to be really hard. I don't know what to say or anything.

Ughhh

I layed out of school yesterday. But hey, I was sick. Apparently I have a sinus infection. Whatever.
I'm back at school today and I'm bored. I did some latin crap this morning, sat through Mr. Beane's excessive talking about the Cantebury Tale's. I'm working on this chart thing for Mrs. Pendley. I miss Patrick really bad, and he won't text me back... Ugh.

F My Life

I don't even know why I put that on there. I HATE!! when people say that. It really makes me mad. The whole "fml" site is ridiculous. I don't care that you are "fml"ing, or what ever it is. Really.

Today has been a little on the crappy side. I'm sick. Apparently its a sinus infection. Or so says the doctor that made me wait over an hour and a half for my appointment and didn't even really check me. Just a quick glance in my throat and ears and said "Well, I'm pretty sure its a sinus infection. I don't know what else it could be." Maybe if you stopped being lazy and did some swab tests or something then you would know what is wrong with me.

So besides that, my day was ok. I met my mentor for my senior project. She is really nice, I like her. I went to work right after that. It was just me and Wayne all night. We had fun, like always.

I miss Patrick more than anything. I want to be near him so bad. I just want to feel his hand in mine, or him holding me really tight like he's never going to let me go.

I think the whisky and nyquil are kicking in. Mom gave me a shot of whisky and some nyquil because I've been sick and I can't sleep. Now I'm about to fall over. I think I'm going to post this and go to bed now, before I fall asleep and forget.

Goodnight.

Hello Lonely

I guess you could say I'm feeling really down today. Work was awful last night and we didn't get out until late, and I was already exhausted when I first clocked in. In response to my crazy day I slept in today and skipped 1st period. I went in just in time for 2nd period, thats when I realized I should have just stayed home and slept all day. We went to the library and sat there for the entire class. I sat on the couch and dozed off a little and text Patrick. I was really excited about seeing him this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks. Then he texts me and tells me that he isn't coming home this weekend. I got this really sad feeling, but I tried to play it off like its not a big deal. I mean, its only another week... which makes it a month. But this isn't where all of my sadness came from. It started yesterday while I was in my last class, MAT 172. I told Patrick I can't text in that class and I would text him when I got out. Half way through class my phone vibrated. Being the curious and impatient person I am, I had to look at it. As soon as the teacher turned around I checked my phone and it says "The way its looking im gonna be deploying in like a couple of months" I didn't know what to say back, so I just closed my phone and waited for class to end. I finally sent him a text back and said "oh." What else was I supposed to say? I didn't even know how I felt. I was so blank, I still am.

And all of this sadness just adds to the loneliness I've been feeling. Me and Jenny haven't talked in a while, again. I miss Patrick a whole lot to. I think I really love him. Which is really hard to say and even think about. I didn't even feel like this with Cody. I feel like I would do anything in the world just to see him one more time. I feel everything with him. I'm scared to feel like this. I thought about running away from these feelings, again. Like I've done all year with the feelings about him. But I think I need to stick with these feelings for once. Even when I'm sad, I feel some happiness when I think of him, or when he sends me cute text messages. I really don't want to see him leave, I don't know what I'm going to do.

toughie

I still haven't finished cleaning my room.

I miss Patrick a lot. He called me a little bit ago. He said I sounded sad and he wanted to know what was wrong. I can't tell him this stuff. I don't want him to think that I have any kinds of feelings for Cody anymore, because I don't.

Admitting that something is wrong and that I'm truly upset makes me feel weak. The day that I really cried in front of Patrick was really hard for me. It takes a lot for me to cry like that in front of someone and even harder to tell them why I'm upset. Now, I'm not saying that I never cry in front of people. If someone is crying and comes to me and tells me that they are upset, I am probably gonna have a few tears because I hate to see other people cry. Or if I'm watching a really sad movie, I might possibly tear up. But to make myself vulnerable and let someone into something that hurts me enough to make me feel even a little bit of emotional pain scares me more than anything. It makes this situation harder because its not just anything thats bothering me, its an ex boyfriend thing. I know Patrick says I can talk to him about anything, but this.. I feel like I can't. Like I should just keep it bottled up and forget about it for a while. I think thats what made my last relationship go down the drain, and I don't want that. But this is a tough subject to talk to my boyfriend about. I guess I'll figure out what to do sooner or later. If not I guess it will end up biting me in the ass, but I hope I figure it out before then.

Love don't live here anymore

"Well this heart of mine

has been hardened like a stone.
It might take some time
to get back what is gone.
But I'm movin' on,
and you don't haunt my dreams.
Like you did before

When I would curse your name"

So Cody is back in town. And I'm about to see him for the first time since prom. :/

I'm nervous and scared. This is gonna be awkward. I don't know if he will try to or even want to talk to me at all. Probably not so idk what to do. I guess I'll just wait for him to talk to me if he wants to. I don't want to look pushy or something. I haven't felt so nerous in a while. I have the bad kind of butterflies in my stomach.

I feel like because I'm dating Patrick I shouldn't have those kinds of feelings. But I think its expected after what happened with us. He was my best friend for two years. That's hard. Sometimes I still tear up a little. I know our relationship was gone, and should have ended earlier, but the bond we had as friends was something that was really hard for me to let go of and what hurt me. This is hard.

Since I feel like this, I feel like I'm not being fair to Patrick. I want to be with him, and I am very happy with him. I just can't help but feel these old feelings though and still feel a little hurt. Maybe it would be best if we didn't speak at all on Sunday, and even better if I don't even look at him. Sometimes I wish I could erase him from my memory and not see things that make me think of things we did together. It's been a little over two months. I have to completely let it go. I can't keep feeling like this.

.. Maybe me and Patrick started things too soon. I wonder what I'd feel like if I was still single? idk.

goodbye summer, hello senior year

I'm back at the middle college once again. Summer couldn't have been any shorter. But it was good. I went on my final summer vacation with the girls from work last weekend.

Thursday night I worked, and I was so excited I could barely contain it. I was ready to head out on my journey to Myrtle Beach. So I wake up early and meet the girls at TCBY. We all piled up in Ashley's Explorer and headed east. We finally got to the hotel after what seemed like an eternity. It was so nice. Beach front, cute guys, 6 pools and lazy rivers, a balcony, and a kitchen in the room. Doesn't get any better than that. We had so much fun. We went to eat at Dick's and had the best waiter, and a lot of fun. Hit up Wal*Mart at like 11:30 pm and didn't get out of there because of the ridiculous lines until 1 am. When we got back to the hotel Caitlin went to bed while the rest of us went for a walk on the beach and took pictures. Saturday Mandy and I woke up early, or at least earlier than everyone else, and went for a power walk down the beach. Then we all spent pretty much the whole day at the beach and pool. After we got really hot and tired of being out there we got prettied up and went shopping on the strip. I spent way too much money and came home with a whopping $14 in my wallet. We came home Sunday evening and now I am missing the beach really bad.

School hasn't been too bad. I get out at 12 all this week since I don't have any classes besides Latin and English 4. But college classes start Monday, and I'm not excited about the work. I am, however, excited about the fact that I graduate in 9 months. Senior year, here i come. ;)

Bathtime.

Patrick has been home for the past 10 days. I had an amazing time with him. Seeing him, holding his hand, hanging out with his family. This week has been the best week I've had in a while. I missed him so much. He is leaving today, I miss him already.

I didn't think I would feel like this about a guy so soon. I feel really happy, and I haven't felt like this in a while.

In other news, I had a boring day. I had to wake up and wash my car. Jody told me that I could wash his work truck and he would give me $5. So I start on what I thought would be an easy $5 in my pocket, well man was I ever wrong. I scrubbed that freaking truck for God knows how long and there is still stuff that wouldn't come off. It was disgusting. Oh, I also partially learned how to drive a stick shift. Jody told me to get in and learn. I did, killed it like two times. Practice makes perfect though, right? Our family also went to the movies tonight. We saw the Night at the Museum 2. It was really cute, I enjoyed it. No one else seemed to like it though.

Well, as much as I would love to stay up and write some more it has been somewhat of an exhausting day and I should probably hit the sheets. Goodnight.