I need someone

I want to this freakin' working out thing to work now. I want to be thinner and healthier. I want my body to shrink now! I feel so bad about myself today. I could just cry today. I emailed Patrick earlier. Then we talked on Gmail chat for a few minutes, but he just signed off. Then my mom told me he was on Facebook, so I got my computer and Facebook would not work on my computer, or Jody's, and I finally got it to work on my mom's. I IMed him and said, "hey." He told me it was bad timing and that he had to go. I just wanted to cry. I miss talking to him so much. I miss seeing him. I miss holding his hand. I miss kissing him. I miss him making me laugh. I miss everything.... and its only been a week. I can't even begin to imagine how the next 8 months are going to be. I'm not saying I can't make it for that long. I can, it is just going to be very lonely and very hard. I honestly don't even want to be around anyone. My chest is starting to hurt, I need to quit worrying. I want to stay in my room and lay in bed. But I know that I can't do that, and this work out thing.. I need to do this. Mostly for me, to make myself feel better about me and my body.

Something that makes me feel better is that I don't have to sleep alone tonight. This afternoon Austin and Jordan were outside and their mom found this dog, so they brought it to the house. She is so sweet. I gave her a bath and everything. She smells so pretty now. She is laying in bed with me sleeping. We are calling her Maddie. I love her already. Jody thinks she might be someone's dog, so if she is we obviously can't keep her. I really hope she is just a stray though, because I want to keep her more than anything. I need someone to keep my company until August.

I feel like I'm going to cry, but I'm trying not because I know I won't be able to stop.

Hello healthy

I have recently decided to get healthy. Emilee and I have been working out and will continue to do so from now until.... forever basically. I am eating healthy and I feel good about it. I am so motivated, excited, and proud of myself. This morning for breakfast I ate an english muffin and egg white and a piece of ham on it. For lunch Emilee and I went to Subway before we went to the gym. For dinner I had a turkey and arugula leaves on wheat pita bread and a glass of v8 vegetable juice. I can't wait to lose weight and get some muscles, and look absolutely amazing for Patrick when he comes home in 8 months:) I miss him so much. I want him to be in shock when he sees me.

It's starting

The loneliness is coming on strong. Today is the first day I haven't gotten to talk to Patrick, and I know I won't get to talk to him much at all. I would be lucky to talk to him anytime soon. I am so sad. He emailed me this morning and told me about his day and said that he was waiting for their next plane. After that he never got back on. I could cry. But that won't help me get this paper done, so I will have to put it off until I finish. Even though this entire paper is all about Patrick.

hmm.... :/

Things are good

I am feeling pretty great. Aside from cramps. I am not lonely, at least not yet. I do miss Patrick a lot though. But for the most part I can honestly say I am happy. I think it is because of this ring. I keep looking at it and it is just so pretty, it makes me smile and feel glad that I have someone that loves me enough to put a ring on my finger;) Even though it isn't that kind of ring yet. He is so cute, I miss him. I have never been so happy. I'm so in love with him and I can't wait for the next 8 months to be over already.

I can't stop

I am sitting here, in E building, listening to my iPod and waiting for Emilee to get out of class so we can go for lunch. I can't stop thinking about Patrick. I feel sad that he is gone, but I'm happy that I can say he is mine. I'm happy that I can look at pictures of us and they make me smile. I am so happy, all because of him. Even if looking at these our pictures makes me cry, they also make me smile. And for the next 8 months I am going to keep looking at them and I am going to keep smiling.

This song just came on..

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one

8 months

Depression is beginning to work its way into my day already.

Friday night I stayed at Aunt Lena's house. We woke up at 3 in the morning to get showers and whatnot, and we left the house around 5 am. We packed our stuff in the car and started driving to Jacksonville, NC to see Patrick. It was a LONG drive, a little over 5 hours. When we got there Patrick met us at the hotel and we went to eat at O'Charley's. He really pissed me off right before this, while we were in his jeep. I was wearing sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a jacket. He asked me if I was going to change and I don't remember exactly how he said it, but it sounded really rude. So for part of our lunch I didn't talk to him. He kept leaning over telling me he loved and that I was pretty and stuff. After that I had to talk to him. I spent the rest of the day with him. We got his head shaved, because it looked awful the way it was shaved, and now it just looks funny. But it's still cute. That night we went to see The Tooth Fairy. It was such a cute movie. After the movie I helped him pack, well kind of. I slept more than anything. We had to wake up really early and put everything in his jeep. We stood around for a little while, and I held back my tears the entire time until he really had to leave. I couldn't hold them in anymore. I hugged and kissed him goodbye for the last time for 8 months. That was the hardest thing in the world, watching him walk away knowing I won't see him again for a long time. When we left we got lost on base and it took forever to find our way out. After another long drive we made it back to Aunt Lena's house. I got in my car and drove home in the rain. After I got a shower and got ready, I went to work. On my way there I cried the whole time. Everytime I changed the song on my iPod it was either a song that reminded me of Patrick or a song that he would sing when it came on. When i got to work me and Wayne were talking about Patrick. I told him that 8 months was a long time, and he said that if its something that I think is going to last forever then it really isn't a long time. He is kind of right. I still miss him more than anything though and of course I am worried. I don't think anyone wants their boyfriend going somewhere for 8 months knowing that they are going to be shot at. That is what upsets me the most. I will be alright though, I just have to pray and try not to worry. I can do that.

I'm in love

I forgot how much I loved black diamonds until I saw these. I am so in love.

Basically,

I want to just sleep forever, like Snow White. I have so much laundry to do tonight. I have no jeans to wear this weekend, so I guess I had better get moving on that.

I am pretty excited about this weekend. Tomorrow I am going to spend the night at Aunt Lena's and then Saturday morning Aunt Lena, Uncle Chuck, Pam, and myself are going to Camp Lejeune to see Patrick:) He is leaving Sunday though, which I am not happy about whatsoever. It'll be alright though.

10 minutes later....

I started writing this blog a little bit ago, and my mood has taken a slight turn. I am annoyed now. That's all I have to say right now. I need to wash clothes.

Oh, and if I were Snow White I would probably never wake up, because no one would come kiss me. Simply because he can't have a conversation with me on the phone and really listen to me, or not talk to anyone else. Because he "has important things to say to other people" during our phone calls. So I would put a sign next to where I was sleeping that said, "Don't wake me up because I would rather sleep than listen to your conversations with everyone else while I'm on the phone with you."

Okay, I'm really done blogging now.

This is me, it has been for most of the week, and probably will be for the rest of the week. Maybe even the next month.

I feel like my eyes just won't stay open today. I'm glad we didn't have volleyball or I would have died. I have been grumpy today, its not even that I was in a bad mood. I was actually happy. I am just so darn tired that it made me sound cranky. I have a bunch of homework to do, but I am too lazy to do it. I think I am going to take a nap first.

Stupid Yellow Jeeps

I hate yellow Jeeps with a passion now. Thanks to Patrick and his bad luck.

A little background info: Patrick switched jeeps with a guy over Christmas so the other guy had more room and needed something more comfortable since he had like a 9 hour drive. Patrick came home in this stupid yellow Jeep Wrangler, hit some black ice, and then a guard rail. The bumpers were messed up and the front fender needed to be touched up with paint. Now the guy is being the biggest dick about it and I would like to punch him in the face.

Today, Patrick called me before eight this morning. I went to his house, crawled into bed with him and went to sleep. We woke up and had to take the Jeep to his cousin's to get it fixed. Meanwhile, I drove him around all day, doing different things he needed to get done. His taxes, stuff for the Jeep, and other stuff. When we finally finished everything we went back to his house and just lounged around until it was time to go pick up the Jeep. Around nine last night, we picked up the Jeep and then went to my house. My mom talked to Patrick forever, like she always does when he is here. Then we came to my room and cuddled up and watched The Breakup. We both fell asleep and Patrick said he was going to leave around midnight. Then he changed it to one. So I kept waking up to make sure he woke up in time. But he kept going to back sleep and I fell asleep again. He finally started to get up around 1:40. He left and I fell back to sleep. A few minutes later my mom came barging in my room and turned my light on and said I needed to go outside and something about Patrick. I was half asleep so I don't know what she said, but I walked out there and Patrick was in our ditch with the Jeep. The right back side was in the air. Jody and I stood on the bumper and tried to get it down, but it didn't work. Jody got this rope thing and hooked it onto the bumper of the jeep and to the bumper of his work truck. He pulled him out of the ditch and Patrick looked frustrated. He was like that all day today, and I hate that. I just want him to be happy and not so stressed about everything.

That was my day, in a nutshell. I can finally go to sleep.

Goodnight.

my hair

looks awful.

its okay, it looks bad because i've been messing with it all day.

but idk if i like it on me.

"Clean your room!"

That is all I ever hear. So that it what I should be doing right now, but low and behold, I am not. I will get to it eventually before I go to sleep.

Patrick is coming home tomorrow, and if I want to do anything with him this weekend I have to clean! As of right now, our last date for the next 8 months is going to be a movie date. I always get mad because I never get to pick the movie. I just feel bad this time because Patrick is leaving, so we are going to see what he wants to see, which is The Book of Eli. I am actually kind of excited about seeing it, so I will post something about it after I see it.

I feel like I haven't complained in a while. So here it goes... I hate cleaning, I think I should be able to keep my room however I choose to. That is basically my only complaint for today, I am somewhat proud of myself. Haha.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, these are some ideas of how I might want it:

This is my favorite. Cute, don't you think?

Second Favorite

3rd fave

4th, kind of cute. Not me though, I don't think.

"Quote"

I just found this on a lady's blog post from a few weeks ago, and I like it.

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
~ Abraham Lincoln

Oh

This weekend Patrick brought his friend, Dan, home with him. It was a fun weekend. Most of it anyway. Emilee spent the night with me Sunday after we hung out with the boys. I am sad because I am not going to see Patrick until he comes back from Afghanistan. He didn't leave yet, but he will be leaving soon. It will be okay though. I have plenty to keep me busy, I'm sure my business class will take a lot of my free time away.
Hmmm...

oh, boys.

They are so cute. At least mine is anyway.

Why does he have to be so cute, especially at times when I just want to punch him.

I guess his cuteness makes up for everything he does that annoys me:) But I'm happy, and that's all that matters. Right?

I love my boy.

Spring Semester

Kill me please. Put me out of my misery. This semester is going to be hell. I have six classes. Latin 2, Psychology, Expository Writing, Volleyball, Introduction to Business, and Introduction to Sociology. I don't really care about how many classes I have, basically because I chose to take them. But Patrick isn't going to be here. That just makes everything worse. I won't have anyone to call and complain to about my day, or my work, or my classes. I am dreading it. It'll be alright though. I'm just really complaining about everything today because I had to wake up so early. I was running late, I almost hit a parked car, and I almost locked my keys in my car. Good job Ciera, you're real bright today.

I like Patrick's friend, Dan. Simply because he is awesome. Patrick called me and woke me up at like 7:10 this morning and gave me this lecture about how I should be motivated. I should wake up early, get ready, have breakfast made for the family, and be ready to go way before it is time to leave. His friend got the phone and told me that I should be lazy, procrastinate, throw on sweat pants and a t-shirt and my Uggs with ankle socks. He is freakin' awesome, and apparently knows me all too well. Haha. Because that is exactly what I was doing. I woke up and I already had on sweats and a t-shirt, and my boots were right outside my door. So now, we are Bff's.

I should be doing my latin right now, but like last semester, I'm going to procrastinate and wait until the last minute like I do with everything. There are so many people in here! I need to go to English soon though, thank God.

When I get married

This is where I want to go on my honeymoon. The Ritz in London. This is the cutest place I've ever seen.

And this is the room I want.

It's going to be a long 7 months

The past few weeks have been so perfect. Well, besides arguing with Patrick the other night. I felt so awful about that afterwards. I was at his house and he was supposed to come over to my house that night. He was really tired, and I was really mad because I wanted him to come over. I pouted and complained and guilted him into coming. He got mad at me, even though he said he wasn't mad. I can tell when he is mad, he acts different and he gets this face. So he got his wallet and keys, and he got in his Jeep. It's probably a good thing we didn't ride in the same car because I would have probably made it worse just because I was being so cranky. I felt like such an awful girlfriend while I was driving to my house.

He came over last night too. I got off of work at 5 and I went to his house. We packed all of his stuff up and put it in the Jeep. After saying goodbye to his mom, I got in my car and he got in his. I went to my house to start making dinner, because I told him I wanted to make him dinner one night. I made deer steaks, green beans, and macaroni and cheese. While I did that, he went to roller palace to pick up Jordan so that I could make dinner. He finally got here and we ate and in my opinion, I did an awesome job. After watching Beer for My Horses and The Marine 2 he had to leave. So once again, he is 5 hours away... and I'm here. I didn't want to let him go last night. I hate this. I don't want him to leave me for 7 months. On the bright side, I don't have to worry about shaving my legs as much. I am really going to miss him, but I think I'll be alright. I will just need to find things to keep me busy.

I really want my ring back so that I can wear it. I still have to wait like 24 more days.

Now I'm sitting here watching the videos from New Years. They were so cute, Patrick is so cute. He makes me smile.

Goodbye

2009.

Hello, 2010.

I brought in the new year with Jenny's family, Jody, mom, and Patrick. It was amusing. I didn't really think of a resolution, mostly because when I do make one I don't follow through with it. But I am going to find one that I will follow through with...

After long consideration, or 5 minutes of thinking, my resolution is going to be my attitude. I am going to change my attitude, and how I get mad about stupid things easily.

But I'm exhausted, so goodnight bloggers. And happy new year.