I'm a pessimist, I know. Tonight is the first night I've really cried in a long time. Last night was just a few little tears. This is like freaking waterfalls. I feel a little depressed.

I wish everything was perfect. I wish my entire life would just stop being so hard all the time.

Nooooo

I lost my debit card. My hair looks ugly. I've gotten like 3 "go to hell" looks today, the first two from some random people in the gas station. I have to pee really bad, but I don't want to walk down the hall. And I have that annoying pain in my side again, but I'm not telling Patrick that because he'll fuss at me for ignoring it. But it will go away soon.
I'm exhausted. Austin needs to stop picking out late movies to go to. Getting home after midnight isn't helping my already almost sleepless nights. I don't think I got any sleep last night. My mind kept wandering everywhere. So I got a Monster this morning, hopefully it will keep me awake until I get home to take a nap before work. I might just sleep now, and not do any Latin.

Patirick

I've been thinking about him all night. Seriously, like all night. I went to the movies with Austin and didn't even pay attention to the movie. I just kept thinking about Patrick, and how much I miss him. I'm debating on whether or not I should let him read my blog. He's my best friend. And I put all of my feelings on here usually. So I think I should let him read it. I feel really weird doing that though. I don't usually like people I'm really close to knowing how I feel about things that I don't tell them. I have a problem telling people how I feel too. A BIG problem with that. It isn't that I don't want to tell him how I feel about everything, its just really hard for me to do. I can't just open up about stuff. When I try I don't know how to put it into words, and then I feel self conscious about what I'm saying, afraid that it's wrong or that its not really what I was feeling at all, like I can't find the right words to tell someone exactly how I feel.

I can't sleep. So much stuff is going through my head right now. This is one of those moments when I wish Patrick was here with me, so that he could put his arms around me and kiss my face and tell me to stop crying and make me laugh. But its not :/ no matter how much I try to imagine him sitting here with me, it doesn't do any good.

Twenty things

that absolutely piss me off.

1. Miss Priss
2. Bad drivers
3. Skinny people that can eat whatever they want and stay skinny
4. My computer charger
5. Myspace
6. Old guys that stare at me
7. Guys, that I don't know, that tell me I'm sexy(it's so trashy!)
8. Prices of Halloween costumes
9. Not having a truck
10. Those stupid papers we have to get signed for classes
11. Barbie
12. People that don't like me
13. People that don't think I should date their sons(aka Psycho lady)
14. Anyone that think they are the hottest thing since sliced bread
15. Drivers that ride my butt
16. Shedding cats
17. Running out of gas

18. Expensive food

19. Hot fudge

20. When Patrick says he is going to call me back and doesn't

(there will probably be another list sometime soon, I'm in a VERY whiney mood)

"You complain a lot baby..

90% of the time, anyway."

That is what Patrick just said to me.

"Miss Priss" is pissing me off.

I just feel like complaining, about everything. I think Patrick told me he had to go so he didn't have to hear me complain anymore. Haha. But I thoroughly enjoy complaining. So it's not a bad thing that I'm in a complaining mood, or at least not to me it isn't.

I'm cold, I'm annoyed, I wasn't the first person to drive Patrick's jeep.. which really makes me mad, I'm full, I don't want to spend any money, I wish gas magically appeared in my car every time I ran out, I wish I could sell my car now, I wish I had a truck.

There is more, but I'm too lazy to type.

Sleepy head!

That is what I am today. I am just ready to go home, get babysitting over with, and then go out to eat with everyone.
I miss Patrick, a lot. He needs to come home. But at least we talked for like an hour and 13 minutes on the phone last night about how no one likes him and that everyone thinks he is an awful person. Haha.
No one thinks we should be together. I keep running into people that keep telling me that I don't need to be with him. A lot of people think he is going to cheat on me or something dumb like that. But I know he's not. I know he really cares about me and I care about him. And if anything does happen, I'll deal with it when it does. But so far everything has been pretty great.

Lauren thinks I'm fat

:(
So she left me a half empty slim fast at my desk. And now it's in the trash, and she came back for it.

But seriously, I need to be drinking some slim fast. Not Lauren. I think I'm eating too many yogurt samples at work. hahaha.
I have no will power! I brought a slim fast today, and left it in my car because I got coffee instead.. I'm awful.

I met Isaac and we looked at the truck.

Its nice, besides the rust on it. But I can deal with that. I'm still gonna look around though, and Isaac is going to help me find the perfect truck. :)

oh, and he is going to teach me how to drive a straight drive once he gets his jeep fixed.

I'm so bored. Austin won't skip basketball to go to the movies with me. Boooo.

Truck truck truck!

I'm going to look at a truck today with Isaac. :)

I spent the majority of my weekend with Aunt Lena and Uncle Chuck, Patrick's aunt and uncle. I enjoy hanging out with them. Aunt Lena catches me up on all the good gossip I miss while I'm at school and work, and Uncle Chuck just laughs at us and tells us to be nice. She gave me some jewelry too, and some bras. Tomorrow we are going out to eat at Ham's and Isaac is going to meet us there.

Fact:

There is a huge moth in my room, it just flew past my head. I hate bugs, and I flinch every time it gets close to me. Someone come shoo it out of my room, please. We'll be best friends forever.

Sometimes,

Blogger, I feel like no one else listens to me but you.

Patrick won't talk to me.. for some ungodly reason that I'm not aware of yet. He barely text me today, NEVER called me, and won't text me back. I'm a little pissed off. Yesterday he talked to me for like 10 minutes, and his phone died. That's how it has been all week, and even when he was home this weekend. He didn't talk to me at all. I'm starting to get mad. I don't know what is up with him, but he better fix it. I'm not sitting around every day waiting anxiously by my phone. If he doesn't call me and I get tired or find something to do, I'm not answering my phone while I'm sleeping or doing something. I just want to go to freaking sleep, but I can't because I haven't talked to Patrick all night.

I'm going to put my iPod on its iHome and listen to music while I lay in bed, in my dark cold room. Good night Blogger, and followers.

wires

I have a piece of wire in my braces that is poking me, or something like that.

And it hurts.

I'm on my way

to becoming the new owner of a truck... Hopefully.

Isaac just called me and was telling me about this awesome truck he is gonna take me to look at. I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm learning how to drive a stick, and this truck is a stick. I can't wait to go see it.

Let's just lay here and be lazy baby,

I wish that Patrick was coming home this weekend, so I could not go to school and be in my sweatpants and hoodie with no make up and just be completely lazy all day with him. Maybe watch some movies, and sleep. Too bad its still another week until he comes back. :(

Good Freaking Morning

"Had a bad day again, She said I would not understand. She left a note and said 'I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.' She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace. Smeared the lipstick on her face. Slammed the door and said 'I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.' "

I wish I had a freaking car that worked, or that I could at least drive one of the 5 cars parked in our yard. But Austin's car doesn't have a tag on it, the car doesn't work, I can't drive the truck because it's a stick and no one will teach me how to drive it, mom had to take the van, and my car doesn't have any brakes left. I hate mornings. I'd rather just sleep until like 11. When I wake up in the afternoon my day goes perfect. But mornings just suck. Today is gonna be a bad day, again. What else is new. I wake up, argue with mom about something. Today, it was my car and how no one ever listens to me when I tell them something is wrong with my car.

And I miss Patrick. We don't talk much anymore, because he's always busy and when he isn't busy, I'm working or doing something that keeps me from talking on the phone. So now when I have a bad I can't call him and be like, "Hey, I'm having an awful day and I just want to talk" anymore. I text him and ask if he can call me and he tells me he's busy and he'll call me when he can or our conversations last for 5 minutes before he says he'll call me later, and then we never get that second phone call because he goes to sleep earlier than I do. We still text as much as we can and we call each other , but it doesn't seem like we talk as much as we did before. The days are just too short. He's coming home next weekend. That's an entire week away.

I sleep in pools,

and Lauren plays in sanitized water.

Oh, and I guess I'm a whore. Just thought I'd let everyone know, just in case you haven't heard that rumor from Cody's mother's huge, hypocritical, instigating mouth.

When we broke up, all I honestly wanted was to be friends with him and not have any problems. I tried not to bad mouth him, but I did a few times. We wanted each other to be happy, because we obviously weren't happy together. Why can't he just grow up and stop being an asshole (I don't usually ever cuss, but I think that word was necessary.) I wish I didn't think about him at all. He makes me feel bad. I didn't even do anything wrong, unless telling him how I felt a long time ago was a sin? Even though it led to a breakup. Just stop posting crap about me on Facebook that makes me mad.

If I'm the pathetic one, why does everything you post about something to do with me on there put me down? Are you really that selfish that you can't be happy that I'm happy. When I thought you were happy, or at least you faked it pretty good if you weren't, I was happy for you. For two years of my life you were the closest I'd ever let a person get to me. So of course I want you to be happy. Or I did. Now I could care less, because obviously I was worthless and you are just to self centered and inconsiderate. I'm done with you, and all your stupid, worthless memories. I don't want to talk about you, see you, or even think about you. I want you to go away, and forget about you. And I want you to forget me and make it easier for me to forget. GOODBYE past.

This is why I don't want to be close to anyone. And I feel like thats not being fair to Patrick, not sharing all of me with him. Sometimes I feel like I can't tell him something or be my complete self around him, because I don't want to go through this again. But he's serious about this, and I guess I need to be all of me, and be honest or say what I feel instead of just keeping it to myself.

November..

Patrick might be leaving in November now, instead of January...
A month and a half away. He's gonna miss everything... Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, my first tattoo for my birthday, MY BIRTHDAY, Valentine's Day, graduation, pretty much my entire family coming to visit and he won't get to meet them. He's gonna miss so much.
I think I'm gonna break out the video camera while he's gone and record like everything.

I'm gonna kill myselfffff.
Not really, but this makes me really sad.

"JUNK!?"

that ring was NOT junk. It was a real diamond. And he THREW it and hit a tree with it and now its gone. I'm glad you had the balls to do something worth while for once. It's not like you ever had the balls to be a real boyfriend. You didn't deserve that "junk" as you called it, anyway. I'm glad you're finally over it, maybe next time we see each other again you can actually be nice and say Hi instead of rolling your eyes at me. Screw you too.

haha. oh well. :) I'm glad he got rid of that ring. Maybe someone who actually deserves it will find it on the ground.

I'm glad I got rid of the junk (him) a long time ago.

(btw... this isn't about Patrick. Its about Cody, the stupid ex)

Hateful

Well, I guess I'm hateful today. My mom said it so it must be true... haha. She's the hateful one, not me. All I want is a new phone. But she won't take me to get one, and I can't get one with out her because it's on her plan. She irritates me.

I give up, Calculus hates me. And apparently, so does life.

I think my life just wants to fall apart.

I quit doing my math homework. I have no clue what to do. Even when she explains it to me. I got a headache while Martha and I tried to work on our homework before class got out. We were completely lost. MAT 172 is going to be the death of me.

Patrick is acting weird. He went to the movies by himself tonight? Didn't even say anything about going anywhere, just called me and then said the movie was about to start and he would call me later. So naturally I asked who he was with and he said he went by himself, and that he does that a lot. I just think its a little weird that he goes to the movies by himself all the time. It crossed my mind that maybe he didn't go by himself. But I feel awful for thinking that now. I couldn't help it though, it just ran through my mind. And his stupid comments he made, trying to be funny in front of the guys, about getting a war wife while he's in Afghanistan and whatever the other one was don't help much. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. And he never takes me to the movies, or anywhere it can be just the two of us anymore for that matter. That would be nice once in a while, since we never get any alone time at all anymore. And when we do have time to go do something together, we end up spending that time with Isaac for some reason. I like hanging out him and I think he's cool. But I want to spend time with my boyfriend, by myself. But apparently me wanting that isn't good enough, and and even when I get annoyed about it and act like I'm annoyed all I ever get is an, "I'm sorry we didn't get to spend much time together." Whatever. I need to go to sleep.

I'm watching Jackass right now.

Johnny Knoxville is freakin' hot.

Maybe he will take me to the movies.

The Weekend

was okay.

Even though I didn't get to go on my dinner date. :( Because we stayed with Patrick's "boyfriend" for the entire evening and we stayed there like FOREVER... and listened to Patrick talk the ENTIRE time, since no one could get him to shut up. I was really cranky because I had cramps and I had to pee, and I was also out of pain medicine. I know I probably got on Patrick's nerves because I was so cranky. But I was also mad that we had no alone time except when he drove me home, and then he didn't even talk to me the whole way back to my house. I talked for a little while and when he wouldn't answer me I got annoyed and quit talking. Oh, he almost killed me that night too. He fell asleep and almost hit a car ont he other side of the road. I told him to let me drive, I knew he was really tired. But noooo, he never freaking listens to me, ever.
Sunday after church we spent the day with my family, and it was so embarrassing. We went to the little walking park in Baton, it was raining and he was whining because he didn't want to walk in the rain. :( Poor thing... haha. Then we went to Ingles to buy stuff that mom needed to make dinner, and he kept talking to people. He knows like everyone. He bought me the sunflowers I've been begging mom to buy me for month. :) They are so pretty. Even though I almost killed them when I filled the vase with hot water.

I also rearranged my room and got rid of a bunch of crap I had. Now I need to clean out my closet... :( Someone is coming to appraise the house tomorrow.

I want this

Clean, clean, clean

Some person is coming to appraise our house on tuesday. So I've been forced to clean my room like a mad woman. I guess it needs it though. And then I have to move my room around because there has to be some form of a closet in my room, and my bed is pushed back in this so called "closet".

BUT... once I finish and I get dressed and stuff, I'm gonna wait for Patrick to tell me when he's gonna come get me. Then we are gonna go shoot guns with Isaac and after that Patrick and I are going to have some time for ourselves. :)

dip, dip, dip.

Patrick is home. So I got to see him for a little while tonight. Right when I was getting in my car he said he needed to tell me something, and that I would probably be mad at him. I told him to just tell me. It turns out he's been dipping all week. I punched him and told him that he knew I didn't want him kissing me if he was dipping. I was a little disgusted... haha. I hate that crap though. It's nasty and bad for you.

Dr. White

makes my teeth hurt. :(

I hate braces... 9 more months until they are off.

I don't wanna work tonight! I want to be lazy and go home and sleep. And Clint is being nasty and mean to me.

"hit the rack"

I'm so sick of hearing that. I swear if I hear that again halfway through my important venting, I'm gonna punch Patrick in the face.

I hate this. I feel kind of lonely right now. My best friend is mad/annoyed/irritated, or whatever, at me. I try to talk to patrick about it, through text of course since thats pretty much the only thing he can do, and halfway through typing my long text he interrupts it with a text saying he is gonna "hit the rack." Ughh. Every time I start talking about something that's bothering me he has to go to bed.

I'm kind of annoyed right now. I can't sleep. I have cramps. My head hurts. Someone kill me, please.

At least Patrick is more than likely coming home tomorrow night. So I get to hang out with him Saturday.

easy, breezy, beautiful..

Covergirl. haha, I just saw one of those commercials. And then I thought, "hey, I should blog."


I was reading my old blogs on here. If I ever get that serious with anyone again... like posting that I'm gonna marry them anytime soon on here and I'm dead serious about it, smack me please.


annoying jerk.


Hmmm.. Patrick is still in the field or whatever. I wish he could text more. I'm a little bored. I ate chinese food for dinner today though. I got my braces tightened too, they don't hurt at all. And they are PINK! :)

Yay!

I'm following Emma's blog now!
:)

and I have cramps today.. kill me please.

Douchebag...

that's what most cops are. Not all, but most.

I freaking ran out of gas today on my way to school. And it is ugly and muggy and nasty outside, on the day I straighten my hair and everything. But this lady was like, "Hey, do you need help?" So I said "Well, I don't have any gas and no one in my family will answer there phones." She was real sweet and she told me she was gonna call her husband to bring me some gas. She left after that. While I was waiting with Austin, his little girlfriend came to pick him up.

Well Blogger,

The past few days have absolutely sucked. Me and Patrick have been at it, well I've been at it with him. He hasn't been mad at me. But it's getting better. I just don't know what to think about everything though. I feel like he's lying to me. I really don't want to think that he would lie to me though. It's hard. I don't really know what to do. I want this to work out. And for the most part it is. I'm afraid I'm gonna get hurt, and I don't want that. He swears he would never do anything to hurt me, I guess I have to trust him. That's what you do in relationships, right? So I'm going to wait and see what happens. If it works, it works. If not, oh well I'll find something worth while later I guess.

Senior projects

SUCK.

I have two pages, out of the six I'm supposed to have for tomorrow. Haha. Oh well.

I cant really concentrate on writing it. I have too much other stuff going on, that really shouldn't be. But things can't be perfect forever, right?

I think me and Patrick are gonna have a talk tomorrow. I'm kinda mad. So I am telling him everything I feel tomorrow. I'm not holding it back. I'm getting tired of keeping things to myself. It starts to build up and hurt. Especially when its stuff that I can't push to the back of my mind and hope it goes away. When I try it doesn't stay there. It keeps coming back. I hate this.

The thing is, he doesn't treat me like I'm in his girlfriend in front of people. He still acts like we kiss and everything, but we aren't together. The way its been for a while, but now we are together. He has to understand that it is different now. Its not like when I had a boyfriend and he was just they guy that I hung out with all the time. He is my boyfriend now, and he needs to act like it. He acts like it when no one is around, sometimes. But in a way it still feels weird.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I'm a little flustered right now.

Aunt Lena and I talked about how Patrick treats me. And some of the things she said I had thought myself. I totally agree with everything she told me. So I'm kind of upset with Patrick right now. I don't think he gives me the full respect that I deserve. He is a sweetheart and treats me like a princess and does whatever I want, but sometimes he is a little disrespectful to me. I don't really know exactly how I feel right now. I'm kinda mad.. well I'm still mad about Saturday night. So, yeah I guess I'm mad. I'm a little hurt because I should be respected more than I have been, and I'm just annoyed with him now.

I think me and him need to have a talk real soon.

Just thought the world should know..

that Patrick is an idiot, sometimes. :)

But by far the most amazing boy in the world. He's perfect.

I had the best day with him. We went for a drive and walked around and saw a waterfall. Went into downtown Boone, and walked around and window shopped. Then we drove around some more, and got lost. I laughed all day. We had so much fun, I love being around him. It just makes me happy and I smile all the time. Even when we fight I'm laughing because he won't let me stay mad at him.

I'm going to see him in the morning, before he leaves. :( I hate the end of his visits. They make me sad.

Really?

I am so disgusted.

Freakin' McDonald's

i HATE you.

with a fiery passion.

The game tonight was alright. There were TONS of cute guys there. I kinda wish I went to West. haha. Nah, I love Patrick too much. But some of those boys were good eye candy. ;)

We all went to McDonald's after the game, then we took Kailin home. IDK how to spell his name, but anyway... We are on our way home and my stomach starts hurting. I get home and I run straight for the bathroom. Of course, my sensitive stomach reacts like usual. Well mom is on the phone with Jenny's mom while I'm telling her how sick I feel and coincidentally Jocelyn is sick too. I've been in my room for a little while, curled up in a ball on my floor while I attempted to relieve the urge to throw up. It didn't work and I feel worse, but I made it to the bed and I have enough energy to blog about it. I was just going to sleep, but my belly hurts too bad.