I just wish that FRANK

would follow my blog.
Hmph.

I'm so sad

I miss Patrick. And I'm sleepy. I wish he would call when I could actually answer the phone.
I need more sleep too. It's been way too long since I've had a good night of sleep. Last night I had a bad dream and I kept waking up constantly. I just couldn't sleep at all. I don't even feel like blogging anymore.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday

Thanksgiving was great. I made FIVE pumpkin pies the night before Thanksgiving. I also made the best sweet potato casserole in the world, but it was missing pecans. They were $5 a bag, so we did without. I ate food with my family and two people from our church came over. Around 2 I went to Aunt Lena's to see everyone and eat some more. I was there all evening. We drew names for Christmas presents. We sat around and drank coffee all evening. After everyone left, Isaac came over and I talked to him for a while. We had a nice chat. He left and I decided I should head home since I was gone all day. When I got home I stayed up and watching tv all night with mom.

I felt really sad yesterday. Patrick called me around 12 to ask how I was and said he loved me and had to go. We were on the phone for literally two minutes. I didn't even get to talk. I just miss him so much, and other than the two minutes we talked yesterday, I haven't talked to him since last friday. Being over there with his family made me miss him more. I had a few little tears last night, just because I was really sad that I didn't get to talk to him at all.

So I finally got to bed last night, and I woke up at 7 to get ready to shop. Austin went with me. I bought some cute stuff. Two pairs of boots, an oversized sweater, leggings, a hat and scarf, and a dress.

It would have been a lot more fun if Patrick were here to shop with me. But I guess I did alright by myself.

oh&

my dad didn't call me this weekend.
big suprise...

Beauty and the Beast

"Tale as old as time. True as it can be. Barely even friends, then somebody bends. Unexpectedly, just a little change. Small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared. Beauty and the Beast"

Last night was a busy, busy, busy night for me. I went to my mentor's house to work on my project around 4:30. I planned on staying later than I did, but mom called me and asked if I could babysit for Rob and Janee while they went somewhere. So I left at 6:15. I got to Janee's house and I watched Austin and Brenna until almost 10 last night. We watched Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella(two of my favorite Disney movies by the way.) I had so much fun. But I started getting sleepy after a while. I think Brenna did too, she kept crawling up in my lap and laying on my, while she drank her milk. Then she would jump up and start being silly. She looked tired, but she just didn't want to go to sleep.

Beauty and the Beast makes me think of Patrick. Except he didn't take me as his prisoner and I'm pretty sure he isn't a beast. Lol. But it's just a cute love story, and I am sad because I miss Patrick.

Oh, and Chase made fun of my bumper sticker today. He asked if he could be rude first, and everyone told him yes. So he said, "Your sticker says 'My Boyfriend is a Marine' but what about your accomplishments." Clint thought it was funny. But he had some good comebacks for it, since I can't think of any myself.

what ever

I talked to Patrick last night. I hate him being there. He's too far away, and when he calls I can't hear him at all. I didn't hear the entire story, but I was sick of him trying to repeat things over and over an still not hear it all. So I just got what I could out of his talking. They might be leaving in December, instead of January. It's so stupid. Sometimes I hate him being in the Marines, well all the time actually. But I love him so I guess I can live with it. I miss him a lot. I haven't seen him in forever.

You're just so amazing, Ciera.

Some guy on facebook, that I didn't know was even on my friends, IMed me and asked if he knew me. I said "nope I don't know you" and then he asked me something and he said "well I saw this amazing looking girl on here and I wanted to know who she was, but now I know."
haha. I feel so flattered.
freak.

Basically, I'm amazing. Or at least my life is anyway. I feel amazing, besides not having my boyfriend here. I miss seeing his cute face. I love you.

I want so many things right now.
I want to see Patrick, and I want him to put his arms around me and just let me cry. I want him to hold my hand and kiss my face, and make me smile.
I need him right now. I haven't felt like this before. I feel like crying. I want him here. I feel so lonely tonight. I've been fine for the past few weeks, but today I just hate this so much.

& I feel selfish saying this. Because I know when Patrick reads it he is going to feel bad, and I don't want that at all. Its not his fault.
But I still miss him a lot.
I think I just need to go to sleep.

Sickness, coffee, and crazy dreams

Getting sick! So I had to get a nice hot coffee to warm me up.
I am almost finished with my project, thank God... I'm so ready for this to be over so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I got to see Aunt Lena and Uncle Chuck last night. :) They were at Sagebrush when I called, so I went over there before work. Then I went to work for a few hours last night and Mrs. Henson came in and talked to me all for, at least, an hour. After work I went home and my mom was watching survivor and tried to keep me from talking until it was over. They think I talk too much for some reason...

And this is how I woke up this morning:
I woke up around 7 this morning when my alarm on my phone started playing "TikTok" right next to my head. I was just so tired though, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I was having the weirdest dream, it started as one of those dreams that seems like something really scary is about to happen and you just can't wake up. Patrick was with me and there was this old haunted theater that caught on fire. Well someone mysteriously fixed it up inside, and people would walk in there because it was supposed to be haunted. So Patrick and I walked in and sat down in the theater. This was around Halloween, so everything was spooky outside anyway. A scary movie started playing and after a few jumps and scares and feeling my body jerk in my sleep, everything in the theater shut off and it was black. There were screams from people, and thumps on the floor. The lights turned back on and someone was on the floor dead, and covered in blood. Everyone ran out of the theater, scared. Then I woke up because mom intercommed me to wake me up. I fell back to sleep and started dreaming that Caitlin was with me, in the same neighborhood and everything. We walked by this woman's house and it was really late. She came out and said something weird and we kept walking and she told us if we said anything about her to anyone she would kill us. So naturally we go find the office of this gated neighborhood and tell them that this lady said she was going to kill us. They wanted to drive around and didn't want us walking around so we got in their security jeep. We drove around and I saw the woman staring at us, even though the windows were tinted very dark, she knew we were in there. When morning came we went to this town and did some shopping with a few other girls. There was this little cafe place on the corner so we went and weird things kept happening to us, things kept going missing, people were saying weird things to us. We all went to the bottom floor of the cafe, thats where all the tables were, and Caitlin and I went upstairs to order food after we both saw something really freaky downstairs. We decided after we got our food to leave. Well we waited for our coffee and biscuits and this cake thing Caitlin just had to get. They gave us our check, and we were the only people upstairs ordering food, and it was the wrong check. It had weird stuff on it that wasn't even on the menu. They kept wasting our time, and then the lady behind the counter turned into the woman from the neighborhood. We turned around to run out of the store and that's when I woke up.

You're a pain in..

my side.

I really do have a pain in my side, again, and it really hurts. I don't know what it is, but it's pissin' me off.
Maybe it's side effects of missing Patrick, and not being able to talk to him more than twice in the past two weeks. But in all seriousness, I wish it would go away. It is a very uncomfortable feeling.

French Vanilla Cappuccino

I miss Patrick. I didn't think I missed him this much yet, he hasn't been gone too long. But he called yesterday and I missed his call, because I didn't have service at my mentor's house. So I was on my way back home and my phone beeped and said I had a new voicemail. I listened to it and it was Patrick. I was very sad that I missed it, and it made me miss him even more. After I went to bed, which was actually early compared to every other night, my phone was ringing and right at the end of the ringtone I woke up and it stopped ringing. I got another voicemail. I called to listen to it and my phone beeped because of an incoming call. It was Patrick. And it was a little after midnight. I answered it and we talked for a little. Then he lost signal. He called back like 3 times because every time he lost signal and I couldn't hear him. Finally he found a spot with signal and we talked, he told me about what he had to do and I told him about my week.
I just want him to come home. I miss him a lot. I always feel like this right after I talk to him, I guess because I get used to not talking to him. Then he calls and I want him to keep calling, so I can hear him. But I know he can't.
But I'm still in my happy mood, and I hope it stays that way.

Vintage Love.

I want this wedding.

I want this love .

I want this van.
I want to be cute with someone like that.
I want to be this girl.

I'm Happy

nothing incredible has happened, I just feel exceptionally happy. About everything. I love my life. :)

I don't know what put me in this mood, but I like it.

I just miss Patrick a whole lot. We haven't talked since thursday. And we probably won't for a while, I'm assuming. But I love him, and I haven't been too lonely. I've realized that I can handle being away from him, and I'm not going to allow myself to feel lonely and sad, and mope around all the time.

I'm really looking forward to when he comes home again, because I do miss him so much.

Dear Today,

Please get better.

I woke up this morning to find that I lost my flashdrive that had my entire life on it! Well, my senior projcet, but it might at well be my life. I looked everywhere for it, and once I realized i wouldn't find it, I started editing the paper I saved on my website to make it better and finish everything I needed. I didn't get to school until 10 today. I worked on my paper all morning, then when I got here I couldn't find a parking spot. So I had to walk FOREVER to get to class. Austin was late too, since he had to ride with me. We thought about just skipping, but I was the smart one that figured he needed to go to class.

I talked to my dad last night too. He actually called. Gabby wouldn't talk to me though. But she is going to email me today. He wants to get together over Christmas break. But I have to make sure I'm here when Patrick leaves, because he has top priority over my father.

Smile:)

Last night I had to work, for like almost 3 hours. I left my phone in the car and when I got in my car to leave work around 9:15 I had 5 missed calls. They were all from this weird number I didn't know. I'm used to the weird numbers now, and I usually answer it if I can because its always Patrick. So I listened to the voicemails, and it was him. I wanted to talk to him so bad, and I almost cried because I missed his call. While I was listening to the voicemail, my phone beeped and he was calling me back. I answered it and I couldn't hear him at all and then I guess he hung up. So he called back a few minutes later and I could finally hear him. I told him all about what happened to me this week, and he told me how much he hated they desert, and all about what he has to do and how much he has to walk. I was just happy to be able to talk to him. I miss hearing his voice. I can't wait for him to come home.

Decisions, decisions

So I've decided everything about Patrick's Christmas present. I am so excited. He is going to love it. I can not wait. :)
He might get it a little earlier than Christmas, it just depends.

Three Hours

Tonight is the night I get my three hours of work for the week...
Lucky me.

Still nothing from Patrick yet. Yesterday was Veteran's day, so the mail people were off I guess. But I want a letter, now!

hmph.

Veteran's Day

"We must remember that many who served in our military never lived to be called veterans. We must remember many had their lives changed forever by experiences or the injuries of combat. All veterans are examples of service and citizenship for every American to remember and to follow."

This blog is dedicated to the veterans, like my grandpa, thanking them for what they've done for our country, for putting themselves in danger and risking their lives for our freedom.

Dad who?

On top of everything that happened yesterday, the thing I've been dreading and avoiding for three years happened today.

I called my Nana, because she called me the other day and I wasn't here. She said hi and then told me my dad was there and basically gave me no other choice but to talk to him. It was a little awkward, considering we haven't talked in three years. I don't know how to feel or what to say or anything. He just asked me how school was and if I was driving. Basic stuff that a father should know about his 17 year old daughter. So I don't know. Its a lot to deal with.

I wish I could talk to Patrick. I hate not being able to talk to him about this stuff. And it all seems to happen just when he leaves and we can't talk. I miss him.

Feelin' down

I miss my boyfriend.

I finally fell asleep last night, I don't know what time. It felt like I was up forever. After I got over my little melt down, I fell asleep.
I feel better today. Just waiting on a text from someone to let me know how everything went, but she's probably not finished yet. So I'll text her in a little bit.

She Went to War

is a really good book.

I decided that I am going to start reading real stuff, instead of all the fiction crap I read. Maybe I can learn something, and not feel so dumb all the time.

It's this woman's, Rhonda Cornum, story about how she went to Iraq, was in a helicopter crash, and was captured.

It's scary. And I probably shouldn't be reading it, because it is really making me feel worse about Patrick leaving.

I remember when he first told me he was leaving. I guess it didn't really click then. I mean, I understood everything. It just didn't really hit me, like its starting too now. I didn't get really upset when he told me. I was more shocked and I didn't really know what to say, at all. Now it seems like I just want to cry and I can't sleep. Worse than usual. I seriously stay up all night, and just lay here. Its awful. I have headaches all the time because of not sleeping. My eyes hurt. My body feels awful, like something isn't right with it, probably due to no sleep. I feel awful in general. I wish I could sleep. I wish Patrick could be here, holding my hand and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.

I have decided that if I'm going to put myself through this, and deal with being lonely all the time, I'm only doing it if I am as serious about this as I think I am. I want to be with Patrick. He makes me happy and he's my best friend. If I didn't think I was going to stay with him, I wouldn't do this. Because its not fun, and its really hard. I'm not even going through the really hard parts yet, and its hard. I haven't talked to him in a few days, and I probably won't for the rest of the month. Still waiting on that address. I have two letters written already. That's probably kind of crazy, its been like two or three days.

I really think I need to get some sleep now. Or at least try. Today has been so crazy, and very overwhelming.

Life is funny

Life's a mess.

WHY is it that as soon as Patrick leaves, everything in the world goes wrong. Well not everything, but today has been pretty bad. I have no one to talk to about anything, I can't talk to anyone else about it either. I just want Patrick back here with me.

I have a headache, I'm stressed, and I feel sick(not because I am sick, but because of something that someone told me.)

My best friend is in the worst situation. I just wish I could do something to make it better. But I'm pretty sure there is nothing that can be done about it.

I just wish this headache would go away, please.

Two days

Thats how long its been since I talked to Patrick. I don't like it. So I wrote him a long letter already. Now I'm just waiting for an address to send it to. Ahhh, I miss him.

OH, and apparently my grandma thinks I'm a lesbian?

She told my mom that I never talk about guys to them. So Jody said that she should have let them believe that I was a lesbian for like a week, then tell her about Patrick. He is awful. I don't want my grandparents to think I'm a lesbian.

My family is just the greatest.

and btw, I have the coolest thing in the world. Emma is obsessed with it.

A&F

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,I'd take her if I had one wish,But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

Danielle is looking at Abercrombie and Fitch sweaters, and they are crazyyy expensive!

I wanna be an Abercrombie and Fitch girl.

hahahah, or not.

I know looks can be deceiving, but I know I saw a light in you. And as we walked we were talking I didn't say half the things I wanted to. Boy, you might have me believing

I don't always have to be alone. 'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel. Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain. So come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you. Can't help it if there's no one else. Mmm, I can't help myself.

So, this is just part of the song "Hey Stephen". Except I took "Stephen" out of it. This makes me think of Patrick. I love him. I miss him. I can't stop thinking about him right now, or ever.

I don't write these blogs for any other intention than to make myself feel better. The other day Patrick told me that sometimes my blogs make him feel bad. Besides me not wanting him to know how I feel about everything, that is the other reason I didn't want him to read it. I don't want him to ever feel bad, because of something I feel. Because usually he can't fix it anyway.

I want him to be happy. Even if that means he has to be far away from me. Yeah, being lonely sucks. But the feeling I have when I am with him is the best thing in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I can handle the loneliness, I think.

It hasn't been anything too rough yet, but the worst is yet to come I guess.

But I still miss him more than anything in the world.

busy bee

Keeping busy keeps me from getting back into my pessimistic attitude. Jenny text me this morning and woke me up. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, put on jeans and Patrick's plain white shirt and dog tags, and then I put on my pink boots. My keys were missing this morning, so I had to search for them. I headed off to Hickory to meet Jenny for a Mary Kay facial. We had fun, she helped me put on makeup, because I'm awful at it. Then we went to Ross's and I got this super cute sweater. Jenny wanted a slushy, so we went to Rita's and got Gelatis. It was so good. Then we came home and now I have nothing to do.

Gone

Now Patrick is gone. And all I can do is wait until I get an address so that I can write him. I'm not really sad or anything yet. I'm used to him not being here, so that doesn't really bother me much. After a few days of not being able to talk to him, I'll probably start going a little crazy.

I guess I need to get out of bed too. Jenny wants to do my make up stuff today for Mary Kay, and I have to be in Hickory at 10:30. Which gives me like an hour to get ready.

New Blog Focus

So, I've decided, since Patrick is going to be gone a lot in the near future, that soon I am going to change the way I blog. I'm going to start blogging more about what's going in my head based on him being gone and how I handle it. I'm still going to have my random rants and complaints about everything else, but I'm just going to change it up a little bit.

Also, I'm thinking about starting another blog to Patrick when he leaves in January. I don't care if anyone follows it, but its basically going to be everything that goes on in my life, as if I'm talking directly to him. And then we he gets back, he can read everything that he wasn't here to see for himself.

Say Hey,

I love you.

Well, Patrick is leaving for Cali soon. He says he isn't looking forward to it, and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I just miss him so much.

But on the bright side, my pessimistic mood that I've been stuck in is gone. I got to talk to Patrick for a good little bit earlier this evening. That made me really happy. We haven't talked much this week. So we actually got to have a good conversation today. I wish he could have been here before he had to leave. I want to hold his hand, and kiss him. It really sucks not being near him.

At least my blog looks cute now. And not just white.
I guess that put me in somewhat of a better mood.

Not that today is going to be awful

But I just realllllllly do not want to be here today. I can feel the cramps coming on too. At least I'm only here until 12, thats a plus I guess. I still miss Patrick. And I still feel lonely. As does my wallet. Since I tried to shop away my feelings. Now I just feel that much worse knowing that I'm completely broke until I get paid again and I don't know when that will be.

My Body

just made a liar out of me.
I guess I'm not incapable of crying anymore. I am really pissed off that I missed Patrick's call. I listened to the voicemail he left, I got mad that I fell asleep and didn't answer it, and I started crying?
PMS is coming on. After a few weeks of just kind of feeling like I'm just there and kind of blah.. I just got this sudden rage of every kind of feeling. Mostly pessimistic ones, like being sad, pissed off, hateful, and just down right mean. I feel like I'm going to burst. Why do I have to be a girl?
I think its getting close to that time of the month... hmph. This book is about me:

Empty?

I feel like I'm the person in this jacket.

Empty and Lonely.

Like something is missing. And like always, I try to fix that with something. That something used to be food, but lately that hasn't worked either. I'm not even hungry, I think if I tried to eat I would just throw it up. So this time I shopped. I bought food, that I didn't even eat. I bought a sweater because the lady at the store picked it out for me and said she liked it on me. That made me feel good, so I bought it. I bought a necklace with silver and teal hearts for $3.00, and a pair of sunglasses. So basically an entire outfit. Minus the pants and shoes... and underwear and bra and socks.

I miss Patrick.. more than ever. He won't be back until December 13th, and I hate it. And a few weeks later he leaves again, forever. Well it might as well be forever. I am dreading it. I just want him to stay here, where I can see him, and touch him, and talk to him.

And even though I'm dreading all of this. I don't feel much except for emptiness. I think I'm slowly becoming emotionally numb. Because nothing seems to bother me anymore. I never cry anymore, even when I think I'm in a situation where I should probably cry or at least feel some sort of sadness or remorse. I don't feel like the same me that I'm used to. I feel different. I act differently. I think differently. I talk differently. I've changed a lot. I'm not sure if I like it or not.

Almost finished

with Breaking Dawn. I'm so excited.
:)

Can I go home now?

I just really want to be in bed. I'm cold and my teeth hurt. I got my braces tightened yesterday. Now my teeth hurt worse than when I first got the braces. I took a 400mg ibuprofen and its taking the pain away slowly. On the bright side, my gap in between my two front teeth is almost gone!
Now, I'm taking surveys to get money. Haha, even though it probably won't work. I'm just really bored.

I don't have much to say

But everyone kept waking me up this morning. And I have an orthodontist appointment today. And I have to work. So I won't be home until like 10 tonight, and it sucks.
OH, and I need an extra job to get a few more hours. I can't pay for anything anymore! I already have to pay $800 for my insurance, which I basically have. I'm short maybe 70 bucks. But once I pay that I'll be broke, and its hard to save money when you only get two days a week, thats enough to pay for my gas to get to school and home.

And I'm trying to find out how hard it is to get bumper stickers off of windows before I put this one on my car. I was going to put a picture of it on there, but of course I find one picture of it and its too small to tell what it is.

Halloween Weekend.

So I wrote about Patrick coming over late Friday night. Well, Saturday morning he was supposed to be at my house at 8. That's what he told me anyway. I woke up at like 9 and he wasn't at my house. So I got a shower and all that good stuff, and then I had two missed calls, and a voicemail. But instead of listening to it I just called Aunt Lena's house back. He finally showed up and we went to get his hair cut. Then we went to the court house or whatever, and I sat in the car. I got bored and wanted to drive, so while Patrick was inside I climbed into the driver seat. He walked to the door and saw me sitting there. He rolled his eyes and laughed and walked to the passenger side. I just love driving his jeep so much. I want one. After all of that we went back to Aunt Lena's house to carve a pumpkin and eat some lunch. Patrick was taking all of the nasty stuff out of the pumpkin and I kept poking him so he chased me around the yard trying to put that crap on my face. I got some of it out of the bag and wiped it on his face and ran in the house. He came in after me and sat down at the table. He started working on the pumpkin and he wouldn't let me help, and I was mad. So of course I kept annoying him, because I wanted to help. He got really hateful with me and I told him not to talk to me like that and to quit being so hateful. He was CRANKY all day Saturday. After seeing people, I decided I wanted to be a princess. I went to Wal*Mart and we bought some cute stuff to wear. We went to Jenny's church for a few minutes, then to my church. We left and took Austin with us, and Patrick was still being mean and hateful. He was really pissing me off, so I just quit talking. That's what I always do. Plus Austin was with us. Well freakin Patrick has to be a jerk and pull over and ask me if I want to go home, and gets all hateful with me in front of Austin. I could have punched him in the mouth. I was so mad. I told him to just go. We got to that haunted park thing in Rhodehiss(sp?) and Austin was getting food. So I told Patrick that I didn't think he should have done that in front of Austin and I was really cranky.

On Sunday he went to church with me. After church we went to Rita's and got Gelatis. They were sooo yummy. Then we went to the movies. After that we went to my house, I got changed, and then we went to see his mom. At 6pm, I was stuck at work for the rest of the night with Wayne.