oh, cramps

Today, I am laying in my bed. I woke up early because of cramps. So I got a shower, dried and pinned my hair up, got dressed, and waited. I thought Patrick would be here sooner. But while I wait, with my cramps and my giant Hershey bar, I am just laying in bed listening to my iPod and sucking on this Hershey bar. I hope these cramps go away, I could just die right now.

Yesterday, I had a picnic with Patrick at the park in Valdese with the water fall. It was cute and I had fun with him. I am really going to miss him when he leaves. Maybe I should hold him hostage and not let him leave. Anyway, after we finished galavanting around the woods we came back to my house and watched the dumbest movie I've ever seen in my life. Patrick liked it, but of course he would like the most pointless movie in the world. Then we watched All About Steve. I liked it, mostly because I LOVE Sandra Bullock. I took Patrick home and when I was on my way home I heard this song on the radio. I have no clue what it was, or who sang it. I don't even remember what radio station was on. It made me think about Patrick and it made me cry.

Well, I think it's time to get back to my Hershey Bar and my sleep. Hopefully my cramps go away soon, because I don't want to be cranky today.

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful. Do you wanna get married, or run away?

I haven't felt the way I feel right now in a while. Actually, I don't think I've ever felt like this. I feel completely and truly happy. Everything is amazing and perfect. This past week I have smiled more than I have in a long time. Patrick makes me feel happy. He's my best friend. Even when I'm mad at him I have to smile, and try to hide it from him so he takes me seriously. We have spent a lot of time together within the past week and I am loving it. He comes over here some nights and keeps me company, until 2 am when my mom makes him leave. Those nights usually consist of us hanging out in my room. Watching tv and cuddling. Patrick giving me cute little kisses all over my face and making me smile. Then I think of a story that I haven't told him yet, surprisingly with how much I talk, and he falls asleep while I tell him. Shortly after my stories 2 am rolls around and Patrick tucks me into bed, kisses me good night and leaves. I can finally drive my car now, so this morning I went to his house around 9ish and woke him up from his cute sleeping on the floor. But instead of him actually getting up, I got pulled to the floor. His mom made breakfast, while the two of us cuddled on the floor and watched Lord of the Rings. But I slept through most of it. I really enjoyed this morning. I love just being with Patrick and not doing anything at all.

Today Patrick told me about the first time I told him I loved him. Which was actually a while ago, while I was in the transitioning stage of breaking up with someone else. I didn't remember this conversation when he was telling me about it, but I think I'm starting to remember a little bit of it. I just don't remember tell him I loved him. I guess I did though.

I am really going to miss all of this when he leaves. It makes me feel so sad. I just want him to stay here. I just hate when he has to leave at all. Like when he stays here all night and has to leave at 2. I hate that and I wish he could just stay with me all night and hold my hand or put his arms around me while I sleep. Its worse though, knowing that I won't be able to hold his hand for over half of a year. I don't know why I like holding hands so much, but my favorite thing in the world is holding his hand.

Christmas

This year, Christmas was great. I got an amazing ring from Patrick, I bought him a cute ring and took him out for dinner(well, he drove. I paid.) He came over to eat with us this afternoon, then hung out until I finished getting ready and we went to his family thing. I had fun, I always enjoy going over there. I finally have my computer, and I am so happy. Now all I want is my ring back. But I guess I can wait another month...maybe. I want it back though, because I really want to wear it.

I have felt sick all night. I've just been laying on the couch, I fell asleep earlier. Now I can't sleep at all.

My grandparents are leaving in the morning. Then Patrick is coming over. I'm happy about that.

I guess I am going to try to sleep on this uncomfortable couch. Goodnight.

Perfect:)

Today, has been the best day I've had in a long time. Patrick came home today and I was so happy. I was taking a nap, and he came in my room and woke me up. I missed him so much. More than anything. Then we went to Aunt Lena's house and he gave me my Christmas present early. It was the most beautiful promise ring. It is amazing and I absolutely love it. I knew what it was, but it just blew my mind how awesome it was. I definitely didn't expect that it would be like that. Patrick had to leave to go see his mom, but tomorrow we are going to get my ring sized and I don't know what else. I love him :)

It's the most wonderful time of the year:)

Patrick is coming home in a few days, me and my momma made crepes at midnight tonight, and it's almost Christmas!

Everything is perfect. I love life. I love winter. I love Christmas. I love being happy. I love Patrick. I love my mommy. I love crepes. I love staying up all night and sleeping all day. I love listening to Cristmas music all the time. I love the cold, crisp winter air. I love the though of it snowing. I love the Christmas tree. I love taking pictures. I love everything.

But I think I am more excited about seeing Patrick than anything. That is all I want. I wish it were Monday.

"Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for. I just want to see my baby standing right outside my door. Oh I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. Baby all I want for Christmas is you."

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

In my house...finally!

We put up the Christmas tree today, and I am excited.

I also got to talk to my cute boyfriend for a little bit today. I am starting to get anxious about what my Christmas present is. I usually don't care, because I can wait, but this is just bugging me now. I want it to be Christmas NOW. Actually I just want it to be Friday so that I can see Patrick. Thats the only thing that really matters to me right now.

I feel so gross today. I'm breaking out, kind of. My hair looks awful. I have been wearing the same ugly, green sweat pants around the house for two days and I wore them to my exam today. Patrick should be here, to sit on the couch with me while I take my latin exam and fail it miserably(and by miserably I mean a 36%). We could be drinking coffee and watching cute movies. But we are not, because he is 5 hours away and I'm on my couch.

One more exam tomorrow... Art. It will be easy as pie, and then I'm done until January 6th. :)

Everything is going my way

And that's exactly how I like it.

The fortune from my fortune cookie I got last week totally turned my life, or at least my attitude on life, around. :)

I got to talk to Patrick earlier today, and no one on earth can even begin to imagine how happy that made me. I was smiling from ear to ear.

I can't even wait to see him. I am going to burst with excitement. I need to find something to do this week to make it fly by, because I don't know how much longer I can stand it. My impatience is getting the best of me.

5 more days...please hurry.

I didn't know that I could miss someone so much. I love LOVE, and I love Patrick. So everything is perfect.

Love, love, love, love, love. I love everything. That's a lie. I hate a lot of things. Like mushrooms, mean people, and frizzy hair. I also hate 80's plaid orange couches, Robin Thicke, and seeing cute couples out when I can't even talk to my boyfriend. I'm trying to figure out how this turned into a love/hate blog.

To make sense of what I'm trying to say, Patrick is perfect and I love him. I'm in love and I'm happy. I don't want to jinx this and have something horrible happen, but this is the kind of thing I want to last forever.

Maybe I should quit blogging before I get to mushy. I am just so happy and everything feels perfect.

Irritated

It really pisses me off that he is being like that. That is basically why we broke up. But other than it pissing me off that I thought maybe he wouldn't be jerk, I'm just peachy.

I don't want to come back to school tonight to do my presentation. I just want Patrick to be home, and I want to be with him. Somewhere that I can get away from school and computers and everything annoying.

I am so ugly today. I fell asleep last night and didn't wake up until 7:40. So I changed pants, put a clean shirt and hoodie on(both Patrick's Marine ones), and left my hair the way it was. I still have the same make up on from last night when I went to hickory. I'm ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly!

I don't usually ever feel this ugly. I don't know what is wrong with me.

oh, and I got this awesome fortune cookie last night that said, "happiness starts with facing life with a smile and a wink."

So, Life... ;)

I miss blogging. And I miss my boyfriend. So many things have happened this week and I haven't been able to blog about it. too bad I can't remember what it is.

So much to do, so little time

This semester needs to end... NOW please.

I talked to Cody the other day, on gmail of course. After that one day of being nice, he won't answer me now. I'm definitely not going to bug him until he talks to me, because I don't care. He can be like that if he wants to.

My dad called one weekend, like 2 weeks ago. And my sister was emailing me. He never called back and she quit emailing me.

Guys are jerks.

Anyway. It's raining, and I don't like it.

AND I don't want to do my presentation tomorrow.

I saw this guy that looked like patrick from a distance and my heart melted a little bit, until i woke up from my day dreaming and realized it wasnt him.

Some guy my mom dated just IMed her on Facebook and asked her if she was still a sexy B****. Hahahahahahaha please.
Patrick<3

I hope I don't have another dream like the one I had last night. It pisses me off.

Chinchilla

This is what I want for Christmas, more than anything.
I want him to be this color.

This senoir project..

it's stressing me out!!
On the bright side, I'm almost finished with it. Even though I don't have an interview. I'll call someone tonight...
All I have left to do is put my forms on my website, and then I'm done. Well, other than the presentation, but I still have a week until that.
I haven't talked to Patrick in a few days, and I miss him. I really really really really really hope he will be here for Christmas.
:(

Worst Day of my life

Well, I should say night. Last night was horrible once I got home and went to bed. Before that i was thinking about Patrick leaving and Aunt Lena was talking about it. I was over at their house yesterday for a little while. I picked up the two presesnts that me and Patrick are going to give Zoey and Z. I also got my delicious cake that I left over there last week. Then we started talking about Patrick. I got a little upset, and I don't cry in front of people so when I knew I could start crying at any moment I left. Then I went to pick up Patrick's present, stopped at TCBY to see Billy and Frank, and then went home. I watched the Victoria Secret fashion show until it went off around 11, turned off the lights, and went to bed. I fell asleep easily, but I had the worst dream. This guy kept trying to kill me, and no one would believe me. I woke up crying, and then I just kept crying. When I fell back to sleep the dream started back where it left off(this happened quite a few times.) I think that was the most graphic dream I've had about someone trying to kill me. It was the scariest one. So basically, I got no sleep. I have puffy eyes now and I look like crap.

I'm laying in bed, bundled up in all of patrick's clothes. :( I feel pathetic.

I hate math and I give up. I'm not doing any more.

And Lauren is a freak that keeps her room clean.

My mind just goes blank

like it did yesterday when I was practicing my presentation. Haha... woops. Everything I had in there just went away and I was left thinking, "Nooo, come back."


I slept better last night, Patrick called me. I'm starting to think that I don't sleep well when we don't talk. I miss him. I wish he was home already. And I wish I could hear him when he calls, instead of every two words.


I ordered a new computer yesterday. Mine is BROKE :( and Clint said it would be better to just buy a new computer. So I found one on sale for Cyber Monday and I told mom thats what I wanted for Christmas, so she put it on her credit card, and I have to pay for part of it since it was a little expensive. And that is the computer I got, a green Dell inspiron 15. It's so beautiful. I can't have it until Christmas though. I wish it would hurry up and get here. That reminds me that I have to go pick up Patrick's present soon. I've had forever to do it, I've just been too lazy and

I spent too much money on Black Friday. So I didn't have enough to pay for the rest of it. I get paid monday though.. But next week I am definitely going to get it.

I just wish that FRANK

would follow my blog.
Hmph.

I'm so sad

I miss Patrick. And I'm sleepy. I wish he would call when I could actually answer the phone.
I need more sleep too. It's been way too long since I've had a good night of sleep. Last night I had a bad dream and I kept waking up constantly. I just couldn't sleep at all. I don't even feel like blogging anymore.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday

Thanksgiving was great. I made FIVE pumpkin pies the night before Thanksgiving. I also made the best sweet potato casserole in the world, but it was missing pecans. They were $5 a bag, so we did without. I ate food with my family and two people from our church came over. Around 2 I went to Aunt Lena's to see everyone and eat some more. I was there all evening. We drew names for Christmas presents. We sat around and drank coffee all evening. After everyone left, Isaac came over and I talked to him for a while. We had a nice chat. He left and I decided I should head home since I was gone all day. When I got home I stayed up and watching tv all night with mom.

I felt really sad yesterday. Patrick called me around 12 to ask how I was and said he loved me and had to go. We were on the phone for literally two minutes. I didn't even get to talk. I just miss him so much, and other than the two minutes we talked yesterday, I haven't talked to him since last friday. Being over there with his family made me miss him more. I had a few little tears last night, just because I was really sad that I didn't get to talk to him at all.

So I finally got to bed last night, and I woke up at 7 to get ready to shop. Austin went with me. I bought some cute stuff. Two pairs of boots, an oversized sweater, leggings, a hat and scarf, and a dress.

It would have been a lot more fun if Patrick were here to shop with me. But I guess I did alright by myself.

oh&

my dad didn't call me this weekend.
big suprise...

Beauty and the Beast

"Tale as old as time. True as it can be. Barely even friends, then somebody bends. Unexpectedly, just a little change. Small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared. Beauty and the Beast"

Last night was a busy, busy, busy night for me. I went to my mentor's house to work on my project around 4:30. I planned on staying later than I did, but mom called me and asked if I could babysit for Rob and Janee while they went somewhere. So I left at 6:15. I got to Janee's house and I watched Austin and Brenna until almost 10 last night. We watched Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella(two of my favorite Disney movies by the way.) I had so much fun. But I started getting sleepy after a while. I think Brenna did too, she kept crawling up in my lap and laying on my, while she drank her milk. Then she would jump up and start being silly. She looked tired, but she just didn't want to go to sleep.

Beauty and the Beast makes me think of Patrick. Except he didn't take me as his prisoner and I'm pretty sure he isn't a beast. Lol. But it's just a cute love story, and I am sad because I miss Patrick.

Oh, and Chase made fun of my bumper sticker today. He asked if he could be rude first, and everyone told him yes. So he said, "Your sticker says 'My Boyfriend is a Marine' but what about your accomplishments." Clint thought it was funny. But he had some good comebacks for it, since I can't think of any myself.

what ever

I talked to Patrick last night. I hate him being there. He's too far away, and when he calls I can't hear him at all. I didn't hear the entire story, but I was sick of him trying to repeat things over and over an still not hear it all. So I just got what I could out of his talking. They might be leaving in December, instead of January. It's so stupid. Sometimes I hate him being in the Marines, well all the time actually. But I love him so I guess I can live with it. I miss him a lot. I haven't seen him in forever.

You're just so amazing, Ciera.

Some guy on facebook, that I didn't know was even on my friends, IMed me and asked if he knew me. I said "nope I don't know you" and then he asked me something and he said "well I saw this amazing looking girl on here and I wanted to know who she was, but now I know."
haha. I feel so flattered.
freak.

Basically, I'm amazing. Or at least my life is anyway. I feel amazing, besides not having my boyfriend here. I miss seeing his cute face. I love you.

I want so many things right now.
I want to see Patrick, and I want him to put his arms around me and just let me cry. I want him to hold my hand and kiss my face, and make me smile.
I need him right now. I haven't felt like this before. I feel like crying. I want him here. I feel so lonely tonight. I've been fine for the past few weeks, but today I just hate this so much.

& I feel selfish saying this. Because I know when Patrick reads it he is going to feel bad, and I don't want that at all. Its not his fault.
But I still miss him a lot.
I think I just need to go to sleep.

Sickness, coffee, and crazy dreams

Getting sick! So I had to get a nice hot coffee to warm me up.
I am almost finished with my project, thank God... I'm so ready for this to be over so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I got to see Aunt Lena and Uncle Chuck last night. :) They were at Sagebrush when I called, so I went over there before work. Then I went to work for a few hours last night and Mrs. Henson came in and talked to me all for, at least, an hour. After work I went home and my mom was watching survivor and tried to keep me from talking until it was over. They think I talk too much for some reason...

And this is how I woke up this morning:
I woke up around 7 this morning when my alarm on my phone started playing "TikTok" right next to my head. I was just so tired though, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I was having the weirdest dream, it started as one of those dreams that seems like something really scary is about to happen and you just can't wake up. Patrick was with me and there was this old haunted theater that caught on fire. Well someone mysteriously fixed it up inside, and people would walk in there because it was supposed to be haunted. So Patrick and I walked in and sat down in the theater. This was around Halloween, so everything was spooky outside anyway. A scary movie started playing and after a few jumps and scares and feeling my body jerk in my sleep, everything in the theater shut off and it was black. There were screams from people, and thumps on the floor. The lights turned back on and someone was on the floor dead, and covered in blood. Everyone ran out of the theater, scared. Then I woke up because mom intercommed me to wake me up. I fell back to sleep and started dreaming that Caitlin was with me, in the same neighborhood and everything. We walked by this woman's house and it was really late. She came out and said something weird and we kept walking and she told us if we said anything about her to anyone she would kill us. So naturally we go find the office of this gated neighborhood and tell them that this lady said she was going to kill us. They wanted to drive around and didn't want us walking around so we got in their security jeep. We drove around and I saw the woman staring at us, even though the windows were tinted very dark, she knew we were in there. When morning came we went to this town and did some shopping with a few other girls. There was this little cafe place on the corner so we went and weird things kept happening to us, things kept going missing, people were saying weird things to us. We all went to the bottom floor of the cafe, thats where all the tables were, and Caitlin and I went upstairs to order food after we both saw something really freaky downstairs. We decided after we got our food to leave. Well we waited for our coffee and biscuits and this cake thing Caitlin just had to get. They gave us our check, and we were the only people upstairs ordering food, and it was the wrong check. It had weird stuff on it that wasn't even on the menu. They kept wasting our time, and then the lady behind the counter turned into the woman from the neighborhood. We turned around to run out of the store and that's when I woke up.

You're a pain in..

my side.

I really do have a pain in my side, again, and it really hurts. I don't know what it is, but it's pissin' me off.
Maybe it's side effects of missing Patrick, and not being able to talk to him more than twice in the past two weeks. But in all seriousness, I wish it would go away. It is a very uncomfortable feeling.

French Vanilla Cappuccino

I miss Patrick. I didn't think I missed him this much yet, he hasn't been gone too long. But he called yesterday and I missed his call, because I didn't have service at my mentor's house. So I was on my way back home and my phone beeped and said I had a new voicemail. I listened to it and it was Patrick. I was very sad that I missed it, and it made me miss him even more. After I went to bed, which was actually early compared to every other night, my phone was ringing and right at the end of the ringtone I woke up and it stopped ringing. I got another voicemail. I called to listen to it and my phone beeped because of an incoming call. It was Patrick. And it was a little after midnight. I answered it and we talked for a little. Then he lost signal. He called back like 3 times because every time he lost signal and I couldn't hear him. Finally he found a spot with signal and we talked, he told me about what he had to do and I told him about my week.
I just want him to come home. I miss him a lot. I always feel like this right after I talk to him, I guess because I get used to not talking to him. Then he calls and I want him to keep calling, so I can hear him. But I know he can't.
But I'm still in my happy mood, and I hope it stays that way.

Vintage Love.

I want this wedding.

I want this love .

I want this van.
I want to be cute with someone like that.
I want to be this girl.

I'm Happy

nothing incredible has happened, I just feel exceptionally happy. About everything. I love my life. :)

I don't know what put me in this mood, but I like it.

I just miss Patrick a whole lot. We haven't talked since thursday. And we probably won't for a while, I'm assuming. But I love him, and I haven't been too lonely. I've realized that I can handle being away from him, and I'm not going to allow myself to feel lonely and sad, and mope around all the time.

I'm really looking forward to when he comes home again, because I do miss him so much.

Dear Today,

Please get better.

I woke up this morning to find that I lost my flashdrive that had my entire life on it! Well, my senior projcet, but it might at well be my life. I looked everywhere for it, and once I realized i wouldn't find it, I started editing the paper I saved on my website to make it better and finish everything I needed. I didn't get to school until 10 today. I worked on my paper all morning, then when I got here I couldn't find a parking spot. So I had to walk FOREVER to get to class. Austin was late too, since he had to ride with me. We thought about just skipping, but I was the smart one that figured he needed to go to class.

I talked to my dad last night too. He actually called. Gabby wouldn't talk to me though. But she is going to email me today. He wants to get together over Christmas break. But I have to make sure I'm here when Patrick leaves, because he has top priority over my father.

Smile:)

Last night I had to work, for like almost 3 hours. I left my phone in the car and when I got in my car to leave work around 9:15 I had 5 missed calls. They were all from this weird number I didn't know. I'm used to the weird numbers now, and I usually answer it if I can because its always Patrick. So I listened to the voicemails, and it was him. I wanted to talk to him so bad, and I almost cried because I missed his call. While I was listening to the voicemail, my phone beeped and he was calling me back. I answered it and I couldn't hear him at all and then I guess he hung up. So he called back a few minutes later and I could finally hear him. I told him all about what happened to me this week, and he told me how much he hated they desert, and all about what he has to do and how much he has to walk. I was just happy to be able to talk to him. I miss hearing his voice. I can't wait for him to come home.

Decisions, decisions

So I've decided everything about Patrick's Christmas present. I am so excited. He is going to love it. I can not wait. :)
He might get it a little earlier than Christmas, it just depends.

Three Hours

Tonight is the night I get my three hours of work for the week...
Lucky me.

Still nothing from Patrick yet. Yesterday was Veteran's day, so the mail people were off I guess. But I want a letter, now!

hmph.

Veteran's Day

"We must remember that many who served in our military never lived to be called veterans. We must remember many had their lives changed forever by experiences or the injuries of combat. All veterans are examples of service and citizenship for every American to remember and to follow."

This blog is dedicated to the veterans, like my grandpa, thanking them for what they've done for our country, for putting themselves in danger and risking their lives for our freedom.

Dad who?

On top of everything that happened yesterday, the thing I've been dreading and avoiding for three years happened today.

I called my Nana, because she called me the other day and I wasn't here. She said hi and then told me my dad was there and basically gave me no other choice but to talk to him. It was a little awkward, considering we haven't talked in three years. I don't know how to feel or what to say or anything. He just asked me how school was and if I was driving. Basic stuff that a father should know about his 17 year old daughter. So I don't know. Its a lot to deal with.

I wish I could talk to Patrick. I hate not being able to talk to him about this stuff. And it all seems to happen just when he leaves and we can't talk. I miss him.

Feelin' down

I miss my boyfriend.

I finally fell asleep last night, I don't know what time. It felt like I was up forever. After I got over my little melt down, I fell asleep.
I feel better today. Just waiting on a text from someone to let me know how everything went, but she's probably not finished yet. So I'll text her in a little bit.

She Went to War

is a really good book.

I decided that I am going to start reading real stuff, instead of all the fiction crap I read. Maybe I can learn something, and not feel so dumb all the time.

It's this woman's, Rhonda Cornum, story about how she went to Iraq, was in a helicopter crash, and was captured.

It's scary. And I probably shouldn't be reading it, because it is really making me feel worse about Patrick leaving.

I remember when he first told me he was leaving. I guess it didn't really click then. I mean, I understood everything. It just didn't really hit me, like its starting too now. I didn't get really upset when he told me. I was more shocked and I didn't really know what to say, at all. Now it seems like I just want to cry and I can't sleep. Worse than usual. I seriously stay up all night, and just lay here. Its awful. I have headaches all the time because of not sleeping. My eyes hurt. My body feels awful, like something isn't right with it, probably due to no sleep. I feel awful in general. I wish I could sleep. I wish Patrick could be here, holding my hand and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.

I have decided that if I'm going to put myself through this, and deal with being lonely all the time, I'm only doing it if I am as serious about this as I think I am. I want to be with Patrick. He makes me happy and he's my best friend. If I didn't think I was going to stay with him, I wouldn't do this. Because its not fun, and its really hard. I'm not even going through the really hard parts yet, and its hard. I haven't talked to him in a few days, and I probably won't for the rest of the month. Still waiting on that address. I have two letters written already. That's probably kind of crazy, its been like two or three days.

I really think I need to get some sleep now. Or at least try. Today has been so crazy, and very overwhelming.

Life is funny

Life's a mess.

WHY is it that as soon as Patrick leaves, everything in the world goes wrong. Well not everything, but today has been pretty bad. I have no one to talk to about anything, I can't talk to anyone else about it either. I just want Patrick back here with me.

I have a headache, I'm stressed, and I feel sick(not because I am sick, but because of something that someone told me.)

My best friend is in the worst situation. I just wish I could do something to make it better. But I'm pretty sure there is nothing that can be done about it.

I just wish this headache would go away, please.

Two days

Thats how long its been since I talked to Patrick. I don't like it. So I wrote him a long letter already. Now I'm just waiting for an address to send it to. Ahhh, I miss him.

OH, and apparently my grandma thinks I'm a lesbian?

She told my mom that I never talk about guys to them. So Jody said that she should have let them believe that I was a lesbian for like a week, then tell her about Patrick. He is awful. I don't want my grandparents to think I'm a lesbian.

My family is just the greatest.

and btw, I have the coolest thing in the world. Emma is obsessed with it.

A&F

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,I'd take her if I had one wish,But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

Danielle is looking at Abercrombie and Fitch sweaters, and they are crazyyy expensive!

I wanna be an Abercrombie and Fitch girl.

hahahah, or not.

I know looks can be deceiving, but I know I saw a light in you. And as we walked we were talking I didn't say half the things I wanted to. Boy, you might have me believing

I don't always have to be alone. 'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel. Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain. So come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you. Can't help it if there's no one else. Mmm, I can't help myself.

So, this is just part of the song "Hey Stephen". Except I took "Stephen" out of it. This makes me think of Patrick. I love him. I miss him. I can't stop thinking about him right now, or ever.

I don't write these blogs for any other intention than to make myself feel better. The other day Patrick told me that sometimes my blogs make him feel bad. Besides me not wanting him to know how I feel about everything, that is the other reason I didn't want him to read it. I don't want him to ever feel bad, because of something I feel. Because usually he can't fix it anyway.

I want him to be happy. Even if that means he has to be far away from me. Yeah, being lonely sucks. But the feeling I have when I am with him is the best thing in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I can handle the loneliness, I think.

It hasn't been anything too rough yet, but the worst is yet to come I guess.

But I still miss him more than anything in the world.

busy bee

Keeping busy keeps me from getting back into my pessimistic attitude. Jenny text me this morning and woke me up. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, put on jeans and Patrick's plain white shirt and dog tags, and then I put on my pink boots. My keys were missing this morning, so I had to search for them. I headed off to Hickory to meet Jenny for a Mary Kay facial. We had fun, she helped me put on makeup, because I'm awful at it. Then we went to Ross's and I got this super cute sweater. Jenny wanted a slushy, so we went to Rita's and got Gelatis. It was so good. Then we came home and now I have nothing to do.

Gone

Now Patrick is gone. And all I can do is wait until I get an address so that I can write him. I'm not really sad or anything yet. I'm used to him not being here, so that doesn't really bother me much. After a few days of not being able to talk to him, I'll probably start going a little crazy.

I guess I need to get out of bed too. Jenny wants to do my make up stuff today for Mary Kay, and I have to be in Hickory at 10:30. Which gives me like an hour to get ready.

New Blog Focus

So, I've decided, since Patrick is going to be gone a lot in the near future, that soon I am going to change the way I blog. I'm going to start blogging more about what's going in my head based on him being gone and how I handle it. I'm still going to have my random rants and complaints about everything else, but I'm just going to change it up a little bit.

Also, I'm thinking about starting another blog to Patrick when he leaves in January. I don't care if anyone follows it, but its basically going to be everything that goes on in my life, as if I'm talking directly to him. And then we he gets back, he can read everything that he wasn't here to see for himself.

Say Hey,

I love you.

Well, Patrick is leaving for Cali soon. He says he isn't looking forward to it, and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I just miss him so much.

But on the bright side, my pessimistic mood that I've been stuck in is gone. I got to talk to Patrick for a good little bit earlier this evening. That made me really happy. We haven't talked much this week. So we actually got to have a good conversation today. I wish he could have been here before he had to leave. I want to hold his hand, and kiss him. It really sucks not being near him.

At least my blog looks cute now. And not just white.
I guess that put me in somewhat of a better mood.

Not that today is going to be awful

But I just realllllllly do not want to be here today. I can feel the cramps coming on too. At least I'm only here until 12, thats a plus I guess. I still miss Patrick. And I still feel lonely. As does my wallet. Since I tried to shop away my feelings. Now I just feel that much worse knowing that I'm completely broke until I get paid again and I don't know when that will be.

My Body

just made a liar out of me.
I guess I'm not incapable of crying anymore. I am really pissed off that I missed Patrick's call. I listened to the voicemail he left, I got mad that I fell asleep and didn't answer it, and I started crying?
PMS is coming on. After a few weeks of just kind of feeling like I'm just there and kind of blah.. I just got this sudden rage of every kind of feeling. Mostly pessimistic ones, like being sad, pissed off, hateful, and just down right mean. I feel like I'm going to burst. Why do I have to be a girl?
I think its getting close to that time of the month... hmph. This book is about me:

Empty?

I feel like I'm the person in this jacket.

Empty and Lonely.

Like something is missing. And like always, I try to fix that with something. That something used to be food, but lately that hasn't worked either. I'm not even hungry, I think if I tried to eat I would just throw it up. So this time I shopped. I bought food, that I didn't even eat. I bought a sweater because the lady at the store picked it out for me and said she liked it on me. That made me feel good, so I bought it. I bought a necklace with silver and teal hearts for $3.00, and a pair of sunglasses. So basically an entire outfit. Minus the pants and shoes... and underwear and bra and socks.

I miss Patrick.. more than ever. He won't be back until December 13th, and I hate it. And a few weeks later he leaves again, forever. Well it might as well be forever. I am dreading it. I just want him to stay here, where I can see him, and touch him, and talk to him.

And even though I'm dreading all of this. I don't feel much except for emptiness. I think I'm slowly becoming emotionally numb. Because nothing seems to bother me anymore. I never cry anymore, even when I think I'm in a situation where I should probably cry or at least feel some sort of sadness or remorse. I don't feel like the same me that I'm used to. I feel different. I act differently. I think differently. I talk differently. I've changed a lot. I'm not sure if I like it or not.

Almost finished

with Breaking Dawn. I'm so excited.
:)

Can I go home now?

I just really want to be in bed. I'm cold and my teeth hurt. I got my braces tightened yesterday. Now my teeth hurt worse than when I first got the braces. I took a 400mg ibuprofen and its taking the pain away slowly. On the bright side, my gap in between my two front teeth is almost gone!
Now, I'm taking surveys to get money. Haha, even though it probably won't work. I'm just really bored.

I don't have much to say

But everyone kept waking me up this morning. And I have an orthodontist appointment today. And I have to work. So I won't be home until like 10 tonight, and it sucks.
OH, and I need an extra job to get a few more hours. I can't pay for anything anymore! I already have to pay $800 for my insurance, which I basically have. I'm short maybe 70 bucks. But once I pay that I'll be broke, and its hard to save money when you only get two days a week, thats enough to pay for my gas to get to school and home.

And I'm trying to find out how hard it is to get bumper stickers off of windows before I put this one on my car. I was going to put a picture of it on there, but of course I find one picture of it and its too small to tell what it is.

Halloween Weekend.

So I wrote about Patrick coming over late Friday night. Well, Saturday morning he was supposed to be at my house at 8. That's what he told me anyway. I woke up at like 9 and he wasn't at my house. So I got a shower and all that good stuff, and then I had two missed calls, and a voicemail. But instead of listening to it I just called Aunt Lena's house back. He finally showed up and we went to get his hair cut. Then we went to the court house or whatever, and I sat in the car. I got bored and wanted to drive, so while Patrick was inside I climbed into the driver seat. He walked to the door and saw me sitting there. He rolled his eyes and laughed and walked to the passenger side. I just love driving his jeep so much. I want one. After all of that we went back to Aunt Lena's house to carve a pumpkin and eat some lunch. Patrick was taking all of the nasty stuff out of the pumpkin and I kept poking him so he chased me around the yard trying to put that crap on my face. I got some of it out of the bag and wiped it on his face and ran in the house. He came in after me and sat down at the table. He started working on the pumpkin and he wouldn't let me help, and I was mad. So of course I kept annoying him, because I wanted to help. He got really hateful with me and I told him not to talk to me like that and to quit being so hateful. He was CRANKY all day Saturday. After seeing people, I decided I wanted to be a princess. I went to Wal*Mart and we bought some cute stuff to wear. We went to Jenny's church for a few minutes, then to my church. We left and took Austin with us, and Patrick was still being mean and hateful. He was really pissing me off, so I just quit talking. That's what I always do. Plus Austin was with us. Well freakin Patrick has to be a jerk and pull over and ask me if I want to go home, and gets all hateful with me in front of Austin. I could have punched him in the mouth. I was so mad. I told him to just go. We got to that haunted park thing in Rhodehiss(sp?) and Austin was getting food. So I told Patrick that I didn't think he should have done that in front of Austin and I was really cranky.

On Sunday he went to church with me. After church we went to Rita's and got Gelatis. They were sooo yummy. Then we went to the movies. After that we went to my house, I got changed, and then we went to see his mom. At 6pm, I was stuck at work for the rest of the night with Wayne.

My boy

is home. :)

He just left my house.

But before I talk about that, let me tell you about yesterday. I was at home, bored and lonely. So I went to Lenoir to meet Jenny, Sandra, Shadow, Caroline, Katelyn, and Jill. We played laser tag at Bo's and had a blast. After sitting in the parking lot forever, we decided what we were going to do. We went by Oswaldo's store so that Jenny could get some money, then we went back to Jenny's house to pick up her sisters. There is supposedly a haunted trail in Rhodehiss, but we drove forever and ever and never found it, well we think we did. But I don't know.

I'm falling asleep. I'll finish this later.

Blank Blog

the blog I posted last night was blank. I wrote for like 10 minutes. and it was blank.

Ben & Jerry's, Rain, and no power.

Basically all day yesterday, I was sick. I felt awful. I left school early. When I got home I put on my sweatpants, got my blanket, and curled up on the couch with Bailey. I started watching Eagle Eye and was interested in it.. until the power went out. So now I'll never know what happens at the end. Well I could always watch it again, but I never have time, and when I do, everyone else is home. It is impossible to watch a movie with the people in my house. They are loud and annoying, and they are usually already controlling the TV. Getting the remote from them is like trying to take a bone from Bailey. Except my family doesn't bite like Bailey does... or at least they haven't bitten me yet.

While I was watching the movie I was eating the pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. It was the best ice cream I've ever had. I don't even like chocolate ice cream, but it sounded good. It was chocolate and vanilla swirl with Heath Bar pieces, HUGE chunks of white chocolate, chocolate covered almonds, and peanutbutter cups.

Mom came home, and then I decided to leave to get some food. So I headed out in the rain and went to Lenoir. I stopped to see Aunt Lena and told her I wasn't feeling well and stuff. She took my temperature. It was like 99. 5 or something. So I had a low fever. She gave me some ibuprofen and this thing that you drink. Airborne or something. I got some chinese food on my way home. I ate a little bit of it, but I wasn't really hungry. Now it's sitting in my fridge. But I feel better today. My throat hurts a little, but I don't have a fever. Oh! Patrick called me last night. We talked for a little while, well he talked. I didn't really get much in, but thats okay. I enjoy listening to him talk and complain. Its funny. I really miss him. And he is probably coming home this weekend. :)

Lockerz

I don't understand it?!?!

and my, well Patrick's, hoodie has a hole in it. :( My arm got stuck on a pole when we were walking through the Campground Massacre thing on Friday night, and then my hoodie just ripped. But Mr. iknowhowtodoeverything Patrick can fix it next time he comes home.

I want these sweatpants!

Jake is looking at trash.

And I haven't been able to blog at all. I forgot to get my computer from Clint yesterday and I was sad all night, because that meant no blogging for Ciera.

^^

These are the stupidest things in the world. haha.

I carved my pumpkin last night. Jody came home and made fun of it. The ghost fell off, so I had to put him back on with toothpicks. So when Jody saw it, there was just a big hole there. I put a candle in it and took a picture. Then I talked to Patrick for a little while on Gmail. He told me all about how he got

drunk the other night, and pissed some guy off that tried to beat him up. Which he deserved, because he shouldn't be getting drunk anyway. But whatever. He might be coming home this weekend, which I'm really happy about. If he does come home, I won't have to find anything to do for Halloween. We are going to make hot chocolate, cuddle up, and watch scary movies all night. :)

Anyway, back to my night. I watched heroes with Jody, and asked him about 50 million questions about the show since I haven't watched every episode like he has. He's a freak. So he told me all about it. Then I went to my room. And I fell asleep pretty early. The phone rang, and someone opened my door and then closed it. So I just went back to sleep. Then mom came home from school around 10pm. She's basically deaf, so the volume on the TV went up, and I couldn't sleep anymore. I was upset by this. I got up out of bed and went upstairs with my grumpy face. She asked me why I looked mean and I said, "I can't sleep, all I can hear is the TV." Then she said something about my pumpkin and the jokes came flying out of Jody's mouth. He said that my pumkin was so bad that kids that trick-or-treat at our house will feel sorry for us and give US candy. Then mom talked my sleeping time away, and I didn't get to bed until 12:30. I told her I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, and I was right. 1:30 rolled around and so did I, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

Another Friday.

I haven't been able to blog at all this morning. So I had to find some time to say something, before I burst. I still have an entire chapter to finish in Latin, and a post test. There is way too much stuff in that class. It used to be so easy, and now.. it just takes way too long to finish.
I decided what I'm buying Patrick for Christmas, after many indecisive weeks. I found the perfect present. I hope he loves it. I went to pick it out last night and everything. I am so excited and I can't wait until it gets here.
Patrick called me last night. I didn't know the number, so I didn't answer it. I listened to the voicemail, which still has my mom's name on it, and it was funny. He said something along the lines of, "Hey Sherry, I was just calling to talk to Ciera. So tell her I said Hi and I'll try to call her tomorrow night. Thanks, you have a FINE night and I'll talk to you later." I was laughing at him, while I was picking out his present.

It's only 10:30am and I just want to go home already. Only an hour and a half left to go. Once I get home, I have to clean clean clean! My car is a mess, and if we are all going to charlotte tonight everyone needs a place to sit. Right now, I don't think even one person could fit in my back seat.

I forgot!

I left Jenny's birthday present in my room. I was going to put it in her car before I leave school today, but I guess I can't now.
When I get home I'm going to take a nap and then go get my check at like 4:30 or something and go cash it. Then I'm going to hang out at Aunt Lena's until Billy calls me to meet him for dinner.
:)

Mmm, mmm, good

Emma and I just returned from the magical machine in the bathroom that spits out s'mores Pop Tarts.
In reality, we just walked to the canteen to buy some. But that sounds so boring. I haven't had a Pop Tart in only God knows how long. It's filled with all this marshmallowy goodness:)

Yesterday, I went to Lowe's Food to buy bananas and milk for work. There were like two lines open, and one of them was Britni's. So I walk through it and the girl at the other line yells, "hey girl!" or something like that. So I said hey and realized it was hailey, but I'm not sure of her last name. She asked me if I still went to South told me she graduated from the middle college last year. And I don't remember seeing her, ever. Haha.

My morning, and my stupidity.

So I went to bed last night to find out that when I woke up this morning my phone went from 4 bars to 2 bars. So now I need to find a plug thing, so I can charge it. Last night I found this picture of Patrick and me on my iPod and uploaded it onto facebook. And I have some cute pictures of me and Brenna when I was playing with her yesterday. :)

This has been my morning:
My phone started vibrating and ringing like there was no end to it. So I looked at the time, it was like 6:45. I rolled over and went back to sleep. At 7:00 my mom called me on the intercom thing. I answered it and said I was up.. Then I crawled back into bed and curled up under my blanket. Two minutes later I got like 4 texts, so I decided that for some awful reason it just wasn't meant for me to still be in bed. So I got out of bed and it was freezing. I turned up my heater and started to find some clothes to wear. I put on some jeans and a tank top I found on my chair. Then I headed upstairs to wash my face and brush my teeth. While my face and hands were covered in soap my butt started vibrating, and "Banana Pancakes" started playing. I said, "Uhhhh. Who is calling me!" But I couldn't answer it, because my face and hands were covered in soap. Then soap got in my eye, because I guess I thought that if I opened my eyes I would know who was calling, haha. But it did nothing besides cause me to get soap in my eye. It turned out to be Aunt Lena. But I was so busy getting ready, since I was late and Austin wanted to stop and get jelly or whatever, I waited to call her back. I brushed my teeth, and went back to my room. My make up was everywhere and I couldn't find what I needed. I was getting annoyed, because I was rushing. I finally got in my car, and this time there was no ice. AND my heat actually worked this morning, of course, when it isn't cold outside.

But, now that I know why Patrick isn't talking to me, I guess I can continue on with my day. Haha.

And when you do read this, and get my 5million emails, I love you. :)

I have to pee. We just ate at buffalos and now austin and i are at rugged wearhouse
Patrick<3

Today, I just want to.

I want to cuddle up in my sweatpants and Patrick's hoodie, with my nice warm, pink blanket and a hot mug of coffee. And I want to sleep all winter, like a bear in hibernation.

Freeform!

That's what my phone is called. I didn't get to successfully post a good blog about it, because I sent the last one from my phone(which only gives me 160 letters to type, and that is not enough for me!) So... this is what it looks like:

I love it. :)

But besides my new phone, I'm feeling a little down. I can't talk to Patrick. He hasn't emailed me.

It's freezing outside! If it's going to be this cold, it at least has to snow. *******Snow Snow Snow Snow Snow******* I just hate that my freakin' heat doesn't work in my car, unless its been on for like 30 minutes, and then when I stop at a light the air gets cold again.

Emma is jealous of my jacket. She might steal it, so I have to wear it all day. Haha. :)

But mine doesn't have a hood on it... I wish it did.

Well, i got this freakin awesome phone so i can update my blog now. I love it.
i miss patrick a lot. Haven't talked to him since yesterday and I feel sad.

Perfect weekend

I got to see Patrick pretty much all weekend. He came over friday and stayed until like 1am. Then he came over Saturday and we went to scarowinds with my family. We cuddled in the back of my van and he slept, while I played Sudoku on my iPod. We walked around Scarowinds with Austin. NOTHING scared Patrick at all. And everything scared me. Not really, just a few things. But still. Then we got hot chocolate and I burnt my tounged, and then got a lesson on how to sip it without burning my tounge, but it didn't help at all. We left and cuddled up again and went to sleep. On Sunday I went to church, with a terrible headache. I came home, ate lunch, and went to sleep until Patrick came over 3 hours into my nap and woke me up. Then he stayed for a while and ate dinner, but then he had to leave. And I won't see him for three weeks.
I feel like such a bum today. I made austin wake up early so I could go to Walmart and buy sweatpants. :)

AND

and this is basically the idea of the kind of tattoo I want, without the feather.
Just birds.
and on the other side of my back. Starting at the bottom of my back and going up, with the birds getting bigger.


and then possibly a Bible verse going up along the birds.

I can't leave!

I'm stuck here until 12. Every Friday, its like I'm held hostage for an hour and 15 minutes, even though I have nothing to do. But hey, at least my schedule for next semester is looking promising.
Latin 2 every day from 8:15 to 9:15.
His 111 from 9:15 to 10:30 on tuesdays and thursdays.
Psy 150 (again, because of my D!) from 9 to 9:50 on mondays, tuesdays, and wednesdays.
Eng 111 from 10 to 10:50 everyday.
Then lunch.
And then possibly an internship. :)
Which means I get to leave at like 12 every day.

I'm so bored. I'm about to just leave, like now. Mrs. Pendley has NOTHING for me to do, so I'm sitting in here by myself blogging and facebooking on my iPod.

I've decided

What I'm going to do.

And hopefully he will like it.

But he has to wait for a while, I still have to buy it and stuff.

:)

I NEED

to get my nails done. They look ugly. And I'm gonna hear how ugly they are from Patrick when he gets home. He comes home today :) I'm EXCITED, haha.
And I can't wait to go to Scarowinds Saturday.

"Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me"

So apparently it was meant for me to hear every Josh Turner song that is on my iPod tonight. I put it on shuffle and all I've gotten out of it is Josh Turner. But thats alright. :)

I miss my boyfriend, still. One more day until I can see him. And then Saturday, SCAROWINDS.

I can't wait to see him, and give him a big hug and kiss. I love you♥

Dr. Oz

Well, Blogger. I just watched like 3 episodes of Dr. Oz. And now I'm convinced that my house is going to kill me. The mold, and whatever else there was, I don't remember. Haha, but I think I'm going to die.

By the way,

I have the cutest boyfriend in the world. :)

this is from his blog.

"Anyway back to my point I wish that I could have came home to see you because you are my world and I miss you. When your not around its like Im walking in the dark and I keep hitting my shin on the same coffee table. I love you"
I love my boyfriend, he's a sweetie. Behind that emotionless front he puts up, there's a heart in there somewhere.

Expectations..

I think you need to lower yours, because I don't know if I want you at my graduation.

So, here's the deal. My dad, who I haven't talked to in like 3 years, said he is going to come to my graduation. He told my Nana that. Who said I was inviting him to come? Not me.

For those of you that don't know the story behind my dad. We haven't talked in so long because he never kept in contact with me. It was only on his time and not about me, basically. After I while, I quit caring and worrying about it. Ignored the rare phone calls. And I haven't had a phone call in a while. My dad is sorry. He doesn't remember my birthday or anything. Never really cared, so why should I care now. I mean, really. It just pisses me off. How hard is it to call your daughter more than once two months. So yeah, 3 years of pretty much no contact. Well actually, none from him. His wife is the one that sends me pictures of Gabby. But thats all she cares about. She doesn't care how I feel at all. Just that Gabby misses her sister. I miss her too. Its hard to do this. I don't want Gabby to be mad at me. But its really awkward after not talking to him for 3 years, its not like I can just call him and say hey. Maybe I'll just send him an invite, see if he shows up, and go from there. I don't know yet. This is really hard.

Yes, I finally found something worth while to complain about.

:) I feel better, I had something in me that was just dying to complain and get out whatever that something was.

stupid white bumps, hmph

Why am I breaking out?

I feel so ugly right now. I think I have found every thing in the world wrong with me today. Or maybe I'm just looking for something to complain about? Because in all honesty, besides being told not to come into work (again), I've had an all-in-all good day. I woke up and was cranky, washed my face and felt much better. Got dressed, didn't do anything in 1st period, and pretty much the same in 2nd. Almost fell asleep in art, and talked to Mooney on Facebook for the majority of math. I came home, took Austin to work, bought stuff for dinner, came home, and ate. Now I'm in my room.

I still miss Patrick a lot. We emailed some today. I can't wait to see him, it feels like forever since we last saw each other or heard each other. I hate it.

I'm almost finished,

with the first task. :)
I downloaded most of the songs, until I fell asleep last night. So today I have to finish the rest of them.

Now I'm thinking about what to get Patrick for Christmas. I think I have an idea, but if he goes buys what I'm thinking about getting him I'm gonna kill him. And I can't tell everyone what I want to get him, to see if its a good idea, because he follows my blog now.

I don't really feel all that well today. I would rather be sleeping. Considering the ridiculous lack of sleep I've had lately. I wish I could talk to Patrick. I haven't really talked to him in over a week. I downloaded some Taking Back Sunday last night. I haven't listen to any of their music in a long time. I was up until like 1 something last night, I literally fell asleep on my computer. My iPod was syncing and made a weird noise and I woke up with my face on the keyboard and my feet hanging off the side of the bed. So I got up to turn my light on to find my hoodie, because I was cold. It was so dark in my room and I tripped over the HUGE pumpkin I bought at Sam's, haha. Mom helped me move these giant pumpkins to get to the ones on the bottom so I could find the perfect pumpkin, and none of them were perfect. So I got the prettiest and biggest one. :) Patrick is going to help me make it pretty this weekend. And hopefully we can go to Scarowinds this weekend too, and have some "us" time :) Because I miss him soooooooooo much.
HAHAHA, I just realized I downloaded Turn My Swag On the Keri Hilson version.
15 minutes left to kill in here. Now I'm listening to Bad Girlfriend- Theory of a Deadman. I don't even like this song, but for some reason I can't help but listen to it, ever since Patrick made me. Hmph. I have like everything in the world on my iPod. Almost 600 songs. I need more though.
What the heck is this song? Rammstein- Du Hast, really? It sounds ridiculous and stupid, Patrick.. I'm deleting it from my iPod. We are NEVER listening to that song in my car. And you're not taking over my music in the car either. Oooh, a Modest Mouse song just came on. I forgot I downloaded that too. I guess thats what happens when I stay up too late. I guess it's almost time to go to English. I really just want to go home now. If anything interesting happens today, I might blog again. But I think this one is long enough.

Awkward

I had an awkward conversation with Wayne today. Haha. It wasn't really all that awkward talking to him about it. Just awkward thinking about it. He randomly asked me how long I though Patrick and I would stay together. I was like, "what?" He asked me again. I told him I didn't know. I mean, how am I supposed to answer that. Then he asked me if I would thought I was going to marry him. I told him I didn't know. It just depends on what happens, I don't want to set myself up to get hurt later on. Thats why I haven't been thinking about that much. I also told him that I think me and Patrick still need to grow closer before I make any kind of decision like that. So he asked me if, based on what I know and how close I am to him now, I would marry him. And I said eventually. Not soon, but eventually, yes. I would like to marry him. He asked me what it would take for me to say yes. If it would be maturity, morals, or anything like that. And I said I think we do need to mature.

I need to stop getting annoying at stupid things, and be a little bit more of a better girlfriend. He needs to stop walking away from his problems, and be more financially stable, and figure out that he can't help everyone in the world all the time.

We don't have the same morals at all. But I can't make him change that, and I don't expect him to, because that wouldn't be him. Just like I'm not changing mine and I hope he doesn't expect me to. We both respect each other, and that's one thing that I love about him is that he does that for me. For example, not drinking in front of me. When we talked about it, I didn't really think he would. But he really did, which made me happy. Just so whoever reads this doesn't think that its only about me, I'm trying to work on some stuff to make our relationship better. I'm working on my communication. It's still a little rocky, but I'm getting better. Mostly because Patrick reads my blog now, so he pretty much has an open door to my feelings.

I don't know what's going to happen later on. Hopefully Patrick will still be in my life. I want him there. I truly love him and I don't want to lose him, ever. And eventually, maybe we will get married, which would be great. But I want to finish school first. Or at least most of it anyway.

But I'm positive that there isn't anyone else for me.