Its almost Christmas

And I can't wait! Patrick comes home Monday. I buy his present tuesday. Pick up moms present sometime next week. Ahhh. I'm so excited.

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So much stuff is zooming around in my head right now. I wish I could put my brain on pause so that I might actually fall asleep before I wake up in 7 hours to get ready for work!

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I just want things to work out. I haven't talked to Patrick since earlier tonight. We didnt exactly make up yet. So clearly, I can't sleep. I have been texting him, but no answer :/ I just want to fix everything. Everything that happened tonight, all of our fighting, i just want us to be happy. But it seems like all we do is fight. Still. I hate when we fight.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I feel about this big right now..

I have never felt like this, ever. I feel like the tiniest baby aunt in a big scary place, trying to find my way over obstacles and rocks to get back to my safe place. I know that to get there I have to get over the obstacles. The obstacles being my flaws, attitudes, and whatnot. I just don't know how to do it. I figure that it will take a while to get it right and find it. 

All of the things that Patrick talked to me about tonight brought up all of the feelings I've had about myself for a while. I feel like I'm different, like I'm not the same person I was a year and a half ago. I mean, not everything he said related to this, but some of it did. I feel like I have grown somewhat cold. I don't know exactly where I took a wrong turn, but I guess I have to backtrack to find out...

Sometimes I feel like this relationship just keeps going through the same things, over and over. Sometimes I feel like its not working. I feel like I just want to give up sometimes. Right now I don't see that light at the end of the ongoing dark tunnel that I'm in. I just don't feel like when we do try to make things better, that it ever works. 

So, Patrick and I talked about my possible moving to where he is. We decided that we cannot afford it, and that I will not move down there until we get married. And that is only like, a million years away. That made my outlook on the next few years look kind of cloudy and unappealing.
I really don't even want to go to school. I have two semesters left until I have my two year degree. Of course that isn't good enough, because everyone knows you can't do anything with that. So if I want to do anything successful I will be stuck in school for 4 more years. In my opinion, that is stupid and I just flat out don't want to do it. I'm not motivated.
I feel lonely again. Now that Patrick is gone. After cuddling and being together for pretty much 5 days straight, it sucks when he has to leave. He won't be back until Christmas, and I won't get to go down there before then. I don't feel confident about getting a good night's sleep tonight.
Well, I'm procrastinating... I have a 5 page paper to work on.
Good night.

Back

I have not blogged in such a long time. I feel like I need to start again, to let some of that stuff hidden deep down inside of me out. I don't really have much to complain about today. Technically nothing went wrong to make my day bad. I'm just lonely. Really lonely. Sometimes I feel perfectly okay, but the past few days have been miserable. I hate being alone. I know that I'm not really alone. I live in a house with 4 other people, I go to school and talk to people. Its not the same though. I really hate that Patrick is never here. It sucks that if I want to see him I either have to drive 5 hours there or he has to drive 5 hours here.
I had such a good weekend with him. Going to Boone, him cooking me dinner, being together pretty much every second of the weekend. Then he has to leave, and I have to wait two weeks to see him again. It really sucks that this is how our entire relationship has been. We spend more time apart than together. I don't mean this like I don't think it's worth it. I just don't think it's fair. I know life is not fair, but I don't really care. I really do love Patrick with all my heart. It's just hard. It's hard missing him all the time and not getting to see him.
While I'm on the subject of loneliness, I do not believe that loneliness is a good excuse for cheating on someone. I could go a year without seeing Patrick(crossing my fingers that this never happens) and I don't think I could look at someone else the same way as I do him. So anyone that says that is full of crap.
Okay, I'm done ranting. Goodnight.

Dear freaking blogger,

Today was not a good day... I miss patrick and I want him to come home. This is why most of my day sucked. I wish he were here. Instead of stupid afghanistan. I haven't talked to hin in forever either.. :/

Wishes

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I heard that song earlier today. I could use a lot of things right now. 

I just got back from a nine day cruise. It was nice. Everything was beautiful and I met some nice people. But I haven't talked to Patrick in like two weeks now. And I don't even remember the last time we talked on the phone. I miss him. I realized that when he is here I seem to smother him in a way. I think I need to give him a little space when he gets back and find something else to do besides  be with him every second he is here. I'm not complaining, because I love being around him and I would rather be with him all the time than anything else. I know he wants to do other stuff when he comes home though. 

I think I can stand to have a little space, but I don't know how much longer I can take him not being here at all and not talking to him at all. I have never felt so lonely. I have been a little lonely and upset, and I thought those times were bad. This time is different. I miss having someone to lay in bed with me and watch movies until I fall asleep. I miss kissing him. I just miss having my best friend to talk with. 

I feel like I'm being a baby, getting all upset like this. I'll feel better after some sleep. It helps to get my feelings out on here since I don't talk about them.

Mark.

Ciera's Mark Makeup Store!
Click ^^ to check out the goods:)

new dress

The graduation dress I bought was the wrong size! So I had to take it back and they didn't have anymore left. Instead, I got the cutest zebra dress and I am so happy:) of course I can't find a picture of it online.
My tattoo hurts today, it is itchy and I am trying my best not to scratch it. It hurts to rub it. I cannot wait for it to heal. Anyway, I think it's bed time. Goodnight.

I'm ready

Graduation is in 4 days. I am so ready for it. After so many awful years of school, I am ready to get away from it. Even though I still have like 4 years left of college. All of the family is coming down Thursday/Friday and leaving sometime this weekend. I am very excited for the cruise I am going on in a little over a week:) Hello sunshine and blue waters.
I am also ready for Patrick to come home. He has been gone forever.
This week is going to be hell week, with all of the cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come down, and writing my speech. I can't wait.

Sinuses

are taking over my life. Or just ruing my day. Whatever.
I made pancakes today. I am never making them again. Every time I cook I get pissed off because something goes wrong. I am never going to be a good wife, haha. I can't even make boxed pancakes. Good thing Patrick likes to cook. Since he wants to mooch off me, he can cook for me when I get home from work;)
Anyway, I feel awful. My nose is running, my throat hurts, I have a headache.. Please, someone shoot me. I have been talking to Patrick a lot lately, and I love it. So on days like today, when I haven't talked to him in a day or two, I get kind of cranky. I guess I need to clean my room. I'm so lazy! And I have to work at 5.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (if my head didn't hurt, I would be yelling right now. lol)

Boobs

Though I am not exactly sure what I am blogging about tonight, I do know one thing... I need to get these extra pads out of my bra before they drive me crazy. I have been obsessed with my boobs the past few days. I have just wanted them to look perfect and perky. haha. So I found some removable padding in these old bras my mom had and I stuck them in my bra today. I just realized they are still there and they are starting to make me itch. Lol. I have decided that I am going to buy some gel bra inserts to push them up. I also need the perfect bra, which I have yet to find.

I need to stop with this obsession already. This is going to cost me a lot of money.

Breakfast

Today, I was awakened by my mom at 6:30 in the morning. My cousin, Jennie, and her husband, Eric, are from Pennsylvania and still live there, along with the rest of my family. Eric works for VEMMA(a healthy energy drink alternative to sugary drinks such as Monster and Redbull.)
He was sent to the Bobcats game in Charlotte this weekend to do some promoting and set up a Vemma booth. They left Charlotte this morning

and met my family and me at the Bob Evan's restaurant in Hickory. It was nice and I got an awesome spinach and turkey omelet. It was excellent. It had big pieces of spinach leaves and tomatoes in the egg and in the middle there a a big piece of turkey breast and cheese. It looked something like the picture to the right, but more like a flat omlet. We finally left and Patrick called me. I was excited about it, even though I talked to him last night on Gmail. I just love talking to him. Even though he NEVER does the talking, it is always me. I don't mind though, I enjoy talking so I can make up for his end of the deal.

I have so much to say. Work is getting better, more hours and what not. I am liking that a lot. I need some of that mula.
Oh, and on an end note, apparently I am singing at Fut's some friday night in the near future. I need a song. Any ideas?
Happy Sunday. I'll be spending it working, and then bull crapping a paper for my business class tomorrow.

Naked?

This woman is amazing.

Any woman that not a stick and will do a nude photo shoot is my hero. I don't even know what else to say. I am just amazed.

lame

Don't you just hate when you talk to someone and all they have to say are negative things, or they are just obnoxiously rude to you when you are talking. It is even worse when these are people you have to look at every single day. Now, I know I am not the most positive person. Just read my blog, it is full of negativity, but I don't carry that negative attitude with me everywhere I go. I am generally a happy, bubbly person. I like to smile and be silly. It just pisses me off when I am talking to someone and they have to be short with me. I would understand if it was because they were just not having a good day, but it is all the time and I just want to smack this person.

All in all, I have had a good day. Except for my encounter with the person in the previous paragraph. I went to lunch with Emilee, and then I came home and watched some tv. I ordered a really cute Marine shirt today. Now all I have to do is wait for it to come. Speaking of that, the last time Patrick called me he was talking about maybe reenlisting. I really hope not, because I don't want that. I will be close to finishing school when he is finished and I don't want us to not be together much again. I already don't like it now, but I'm fine with it. I just don't want to do it again. I don't know what that means right now. I really want Patrick to go to school and get some kind of degree, even if it is for something ridiculous. I don't want him to have to be gone all the time. I don't know. Maybe I should quit focusing on what he is doing and worry about what I need to do first. Just like I told him, it's not like we are married right now. So I really have no business worrying about it. 

All I know is that I am ready to graduate next month, get all this schooling over with and hopefully have a happy life with Patrick. 

Just so everyone knows, Wayne and his friend are really amazing singers/guitar players.

Getting Fat?!

I swear I am going to be fat by the time Patrick gets home. Recently, I have just been so sad. I miss Patrick so much. It has already been about 3 months since he left. Tonight, I am sitting on my bed eating Japanese food while my dog lays on my floor staring me down until I give in and let her have some. This is like my comfort food. And my comfort dessert is cookies and cream ice cream with peanutbutter sauce. But I am not at work, so no comfort dessert for me tonight. I don't want to, but I just feel like I give in to my feelings and I eat. I don't really eat a lot anymore, but I just eat the worst stuff in the world. I am not even really hungry anymore. I drank a V8 today, so at least I got my veggies, lol. I went tanning today, I don't look like a ghost anymore.
I feel like I am just rambling, maybe I need to go to bed. So Goodnight.

chicken chicken chicken

I haven't talked to Patrick in almost two weeks. He called me when I was in Florida, but I couldn't use my phone there. So as least I know he is okay. I guess I just worry too much.
So my sunburn does not burn anymore, but it itches like crazy. I have never in my life been so itchy. It is driving me crazy.
Lately I just haven't had much to say. When something interesting happens I will start blogging again.

SUNBURN

This is literally what my body looks like right now. Super white and super red. And Super painful. Today is the second day that I have been laying in bed all day. I can't move or anything. It hurts to get up and move around. We were going to leave Florida this evening after my mom's MRI, but there is no way that I could sit in a car from 12 this afternoon getting in and out to shop, then to mom's appointment, and then for 8 more hours on the way home. So we are staying one more night and hopefully my burning will be better.

I haven't talked to Patrick in a while either, I miss him:(

Good Day Sunshine:)

Today has been a good day. After a 7ish hour drive, we finally arrived in St. Augustine, Florida. We got to our crappy hotel room, its alright, but not up to my standards. I found out my ex has a new girlfriend. Good for him. I'm finally glad he found someone that he can stand. Maybe everything she does won't make him mad. Anyway, that is way off topic... We went to this Chinese buffet and ate the heck out of some crab legs. I wish Patrick were here with me. We are going to the beach tomorrow maybe, I bought some tanning lotion so that I can become a less pasty white person. 

And this song describes my mood, well my mood tomorrow when the sun comes up...

I need to laugh and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day

:)

bad blogger

I am such a bad blogger, I haven't kept up with this as much as I intended to. I have had a long week. Thank God its spring break, part two. Haha. Today I am cleaning my room and I might go get my nails filled in. Then I am going to Aunt Lena's tonight for dinner and Easter stuff with Patrick's little cousins. Tomorrow I am going to Florida with the family.
Patrick is so cute, wanting to make sure that I'm okay and wanting to give me money all the time and take care of me. Even though I don't like taking it. I miss him a lot and I wish he would call me before I leave tomorrow because my phone doesn't work out of north and south carolina. Well, it does, but it charges me a crapload to use it. So I can't :( But I guess it will be alright. I have to get back to cleaning so I can get everything done today.
I might blog from Florida, depending.

Blood

I gave blood today and it was awful. I mean I feel good about it but it hurt and I almost passed out. I don't think I will ever do it again. I still have a headache.
Patrick called me this morning. That madee smile. I miss him a bunch.

So much for getting excited.

Delaware plans are gone:(
No one wants to hire me for just two months during the summer. Summer classes interfere with it. And Jenny will be having her baby sometime around the end of summer and I have to be here for that. I will be stuck in Caldwell County for another year. I have a swollen gum, and it really hurts. I put some numbing stuff on it, but it still hurts. It has been hurting ever since I ate that heath bar. I piece of it cut my gum and now it is swollen and painful.
Prom is tomorrow. Man, I really miss Patrick. I wish he could be here to get all dressed up and cute with me. I don't even really care about prom, at all. I just want to get dressed up. This really sucks a lot. I hate him being so far away and that he has to miss everything.

MOVING!!!

So, no one else knows this yet. I'm trying to keep it on the down low for a little, because I am not 100% sure that I am doing it yet. But I am probably moving to Delaware for the summer. My grandparents live there, so FREE place to stay, FREE food... sounds like a dang good plan to me. I already have two possible jobs there. One at Coldwater Creek, the crazy expensive older women's clothing outlet. My grandma worked there for a few years before she retired. So she hooked me up. She also knows the manager of the Wilson's leather outlet and is going to get me an application. I am pretty excited about this, even though I know NO ONE. So I will be doing a lot of working, laying on the beach reading books, fishing, and sleeping on the boat:) Hopefully I will meet some people up there so that I can go out and not be alone. Haha. I also found an awesome contemporary church up there. Ahhhh, I cannot wait! I need something to keep me busy this summer since Patrick will still be gone and I won't have school. I am going to take two online classes though. Just so I can get ahead before fall semester.
I♥SUMMER

I AM DONE!

With my paper, that is. FINALY!
Now I'm going to the rest of my boring classes, and then I have to take my dress to get it hemmed. At least I have a Red Bull:) Goodbye.

Ahhh cramps, I hate you.

I had a bad day. Really. I woke up at 6am and had to pee like a mad woman. So I went upstairs to pee. Got back in bed and fell asleep rather quickly. I woke up later around 10 am and ate breakfast. Sat around while I was supposed to be cleaning and finally got around to cleaning my room long after I woke up. I got my period and then the cramps came on. I ignored them and kept cleaning. After a while my mom told me that Oswaldo and Norma (Jenny's, my best friend's, parents) were hungry. So we decided to go out to eat at Sagebrush. I drove myself and met her parents, my mom, and Jody there. We got hot wings and then they brought us a complimentary dessert. I was craving chocolate so bad and the dessert just happened to be the brownie sundae thing they have. I had a few bites of it and left the 6 or 7 wings I had left on my plate. I started feeling sick and I went to the bathroom. After hanging over the toilet for nothing, I went back to the table and sat down. I felt awful again and told my mom I was leaving. She said I looked bad and I left. I got to my truck and sat down. I got the feeling that I was going to throw up so I opened the door and leaned out. I finally decided to get out and I threw up in the parking lot. I called my mom, who was still inside, and told her. They all came out and made sure I was okay to drive home. I finally got back to the house and I have been lounging around watching tv and thinking about stuff. I feel very emotional. I am mad that I threw up, it really makes me angry. I'm not sure why. I really miss Patrick. I just want him home, now. I want him here with me. I want him to be laying here with me, with his arms around me, making me feel better. I miss him more than anything and I hate not being near him. I miss having someone to talk to about every little stupid thing that pops into my head. I don't want anyone else to tell those things to either. I don't like telling other people every thing that I think about. That is why I email him constantly, just to tell him something that happened to me, or something stupid that I just want to rant about, or just because I'm lonely. I do have a few, and I mean very few, friends to talk to about stuff. But I don't like telling people how I feel. That is why I blog, because I have to get this stuff out somehow. Patrick is the only person that I can really tell everything to because most of the time, especially on the phone, I know he isn't paying attention to half of the things I say. I really wish I could just sleep away the time until he comes back. Which is like forever. I can't sleep at all. I feel awful. I want to die right now, my cramps are so bad.

No no no

I am just amazed at how shiny and sparkly my ring looks today. It caught my eye and now I am just moving my hand side to side watching it shimmer in the light. It's funny how little things amuse me. Anyway, the conference yesterday was awful, and I should not have even been in there consider my lack of care about it. It just made me mad, I would have preferred chewing on nails than sitting in there. Patrick also called my yesterday. I was really happy. I'm happy every time he calls me. The only thing that didn't make me happy is that he said he might have to go back over there a month after he comes home. I don't like that and I really didn't want to hear it. I guess its better for me to know that there is a possibility then not know and be more upset than I have to be later. I really hope he doesn't have to. I will be pretty devastated. We have been together for about 9 months now:) and have only gotten to see each other during 6 of those 9 months. And we won't get to see each other for another 4 or 5 months.
I don't really know what else to say. I am kind of depressed now.
I guess I should start on the all day job of cleaning my room.

oh.

My shoulder hurts a lot right now, I have no idea why. I also think that my left boob is bigger than the right one. I am upset about this. I have to go to this stupid conference thing tomorrow about all this drama. Honestly, I don't care about it. Just leave me alone and I could care less what you do with your life. I don't even want to talk to anyone right now. My shoulder hurts and I am sleepy. I will probably not say much, because, well, there is nothing to say. I will be too sleepy to say anything anyway. So I will just make it go by quicker and pretend I'm listening. I just want another phone call from Patrick, that is the only thing I want. I hear my blankets calling my name, so goodnight and sweet dreams.

Grow up

For real. I am not talking about anyone or even looking at anyone the wrong way ever. Seriously. You can't do anything without people running their mouths and keeping crap going. Stop talking about it already and maybe it will go away? I don't care what anyone has to say. But if you do say it to me, you will get a reply. So don't get mad about it. After I tell you what I think, I'm done with it. I might still complain, but geez, who wouldn't when someone told you that you were a fatass? Get over it.
I am really not the mood to do anything or talk to anyone right now. This stupid english paper is a pain in the butt. A huge pain. I needed a break though. My hand hurts from writing on these stupid little notecards. I think its because of how hard I grip pens when I write. Its like a death grip lol. I really need to run today, so I might go get on the treadmill while I am taking a break. Idk yet. I am really sleepy though. I have a conference with Mrs. Rash in the morning to talk about my paper. Ugh.
Patrick didn't get to call me today :( I miss him a lot. That is the only thing I really care about being worried with right now. Not stupid petty drama.
Tomorrow is already not going to be a good day, I can tell. Mostly because I am not going to get much sleep and I am going to be cranky. So I will probably not talk to much anyone tomorrow.
Anyway, I guess I had better get back to my notecards...

(no title)

I couldn't think of a title for this. Last week I got told I had a big butt by Alesha.. Actually this is the text message I got, "I hope your dress is big, just like your ass:) haha"  
Obviously she is insecure about something on her body, or she is just that conceited and thinks she is God's gift to earth, because she had to point out what she thought was one of my flaws. But I'm glad I have a big butt. Girls are so mean.
I talked to Patrick today. That made me happy. Then the zipper on my prom dress broke and that pissed me off. So I have to go get it fixed tomorrow. Ugh. I have to go to work tonight too, which won't be that bad. I would rather just sleep though.

sniffly sneezy:(

That describes me right now. My nose is running, soon it will probably run right off of my face. I am excited for mine and Emilee's trip to Delaware this week. Patrick called me this afternoon. I am upset with him, very much. He is smoking. I don't like that at all. I told Caitlin about it and she told me I should yell at him, because that is nasty. I really wish he wouldn't do that. It is so bad for you, and nasty. It stinks, and I am not ever kissing him again if he doesn't quit. Well I probably will, but still. That is definitely turning me off. Shew. I really do miss him though, like crazy. I don't even know how much longer we have apart. I am too lazy to count, but it is way too long and I don't like it one bit. It feels like he has been gone longer than he really has, which sucks. I wish time would just hurry up and go by. But at least we got to talk to today. So I am happy.
Goodnight.

I think I am sick

I feel miserable, or at least my body does anyway.
That is all for now, I think... Goodnight.

wake me up

I am so tired. My eyes are closing. I'm trying to listen to some music to wake me up, but it isn't working yet. I talked to Patrick yesterday. They were gone for a few days so we didn't get to talk before that. I found this old ring with little diamonds in it in my jewelry box, its gold, but still cute. So I am wearing. I think it was my great nana's. But I'm not sure. I have on a white jacket today, and I forgot that I got chocolate on it at work last night. I didn't sleep well last night either. I rolled around all night and Maddie kept whining, which didn't help at all. I haven't had a good night of sleep in a while. I'm not sure why, maybe I need a sleeping pill or something. Geez.

My morning groove:

Bust a Move

MC Hammer

screw you

Seriously, I wish people would quit pitying themselves all the time. I pity myself sometimes on here, but hey, its MY blog. If people don't want to read it they don't have to. I write it to get my feelings out for myself. But I don't walk around making everyone feel sorry for me all the time. That makes you look desperate for attention. Grow up and get a life. No one cares about your sob stories. You are not the only people in the world that have problems, other people just don't want everyone to know their life story like you.

Today has just been a crappy day. Everything about it. I woke up with a headache. I felt awful all day and I had to work. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for a while. I actually enjoy not having many friends anymore. I like not having to put up with everyone's crap all the time. I like not caring if people get pissed off at me or don't like me.
I miss Patrick a lot. I cried today. I am probably going to cry again. I haven't heard from him in a few days. I don't like it at all.
Basically, I'm trying to say just screw my life today. That is all I have to say.

Ice

Today was alright. Working out sucked worse than ever. I was so sore, and my knee is swollen. So I am laying in bed with an ice pack on it. I am wondering what Patrick is doing. I miss him. No phone calls today. I was kind of upset about that earlier, but there isn't really anything to be upset about. He can't help it that he can't call, and I don't need to get upset about it. I guess I just need to write more letters...
I am in pain. My entire body is in pain. My butt, legs, knee, thighs, shoulders, back, arms...EVERYTHING, basically. I took a Motrin. So I feel better now. But I am just really sore. I have muscles though!
I can't even blog without constantly thinking about Patrick. This really sucks. I wish I could just not worry or feel lonely. I wish the part of me that is so wrapped up in him would pause itself while the rest of my gets things done until he comes back.

I was right

Today was a good day. For the most part. Besides working out. But who actually enjoys it anyway? After my call from Patrick, which just made my entire day better, I went to lab. It was boring, I didn't do anything at all. Then I went to psychology and played this block game on my iPod. I had english after that and just wrote notes to Emilee the entire time. Then I came home and ate lunch, went back to school and talked to Mrs. Williams about money stuff and then ended up sitting in her office having a 40 minute conversation with her about classes and working out, racquet ball, Patrick, and cruises to the Caribbean. It was nice. I waited for Emilee and we went to the gym. Today we worked on back and shoulders, and I'm not even gonna lie, it was hard. I thought I was going to just fall over. I got on the treadmill and jogged/walked 2.8 miles, it took like 45 minutes and I definitely broke a sweat. Like 200 sweats. I felt good, besides my left shin feeling like it snapped in half and was on fire. After the gym I came home and got a shower, then I went to the West basketball game with Emilee.
Oh, I also think my mom tried to kill me. She made this turkey chili, and it was AWFUL. It looked like dog food. Hahahaha. Well I ate it, and I was running for the bathroom as soon as I got home from the game. I'm pretty sure I lost about 5 pounds then. Which I guess is good. Maybe I should eat some more of it.

I am happy today

I talked to Patrick last night before I went to bed AND he called me this morning while I was driving back to school from the gas station. I miss him. But I feel much better talking to him. I think today might be a good day.

this goes along with my last post

I got home from church and found this quote on a friend's Facebook status:

"Just because her eyes don't tear, doesn't mean her heart don't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong."

I was amazed at how perfect this was for what I was writing about last night.

eight missed calls

This morning, I woke up to eight missed calls. All from Patrick. He called me twice around 2:30 am and six times between 6:45 am and 6:55 am. I didn't wake up until 10:30 or 11? I listened to all of his voice mails, and have continued to listen to them just to hear him. That sounds kind of pathetic, but I miss him and hearing him makes me feel better. I feel a little more at ease now. I worry all the time. I don't usually act like it, I sometimes feel like people think I don't care that he is gone because I don't act sad or anything. I kind of get that impression when I talk to some people too, by the way they look at me or the little remarks that hint at my being overly happy while my boyfriend is in Afghanistan. I am not going to walk around acting depressed and sad, and talking about it all the time. I am worried about him, it scares me a lot. I am extremely sad that he isn't here and that we don't get to talk or see each other. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my boyfriend, or that I am an awful girlfriend. These people don't understand what I have to go through. I feel like some of them expect me to go around and announce that Patrick is gone and that I shouldn't be as happy as I am all the time. Like they want to know how I can be happy when he isn't here. Just because Patrick left doesn't mean the world stops turning. I still have to deal with the rest of my life until he comes back. I feel like I am just ranting and everyone is going to think I am completely stupid for posting this. I don't really care though.
I just want to disappear for a little while. I wish it were that easy to get away from everyone.

I'm so... Happy?

This is the happiest I have been since Patrick left. I have a new love:) It is beautiful and perfect for me. It makes me so happy, and I'm excited. It's like a new adventure. And no I am not talking about a boy, haha.. I'm talking about my new truck:) It is amazing, and I absolutely love it. I am so broke, I spent 8,500 dollars on it. Well I spent 7,500. Mom and Jody paid for the rest, which I am very thankful for. It was my early graduation present. I literally took dollar bills from my tip money that I had in a jar to be able to buy it. Haha. How awful is that? Now I am very broke, hopefully my dad will send some child support soon so I can have some gas money until I get another pay check.
I have been out driving my truck around, I need a cute name for it. Any suggestions? Something girly. I was thinking Adelaid... cute?

Anyway, I miss Patrick more than anything and I wish he were here to share my excitement. Even though he is NOT driving my new baby. Because he will wreck her. So he can forget that.

This week has been pretty good. Haven't done too much, just hitting the gym, going to school and working. I watched the UNC and Duke game with Emilee the other night. We got pizza and talked and watched Duke win, of course:) Patrick hasn't emailed me in a few days. So I wrote him a letter, I just have to send it. His cousin might buy my car, and I can hopefully find a good deal on a Jeep or something awesome. I'm pretty excited about it. This blog has no point, Goodnight.

Long time gone

I'm pretty much in love with the Dixie Chicks. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, even though I'm pretty sure it was only a few days ago. I'm just sitting in my lab, blogging away before I have to go be office assistant for 50 minutes. I am so sleepy, and I miss Patrick. I think I have said that in every blog I have posted since he left. Oh, and let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. I wrote a paper for my Business class that was due last night. I had about 3 pages, and I saved it and it disappeared. So I had to rewrite it.
Everyday I put hairspray in my hair, and everytime I do it gets all over my ring and makes the diamond look dull and not sparkly. I learned that you can spray it with Windex, the eco friendly kind made from plants:), and rinse it with hot water. And BAM, its shiny and sparkly and gorgeous once again.
I'm amazing. Or my mom is, since she told me that.

And now it is time to go be office assistant. Have a good day!

Feeling Good

This work out thing is pretty great. I feel amazing. Well, actually I am sore as hell. But in a good way. I know that I am getting in shape because of this pain. I have been eating pretty healthy too. I am excited to be in shape. I haven't been doing much else besides school, working out, and working at TCBY. I am glad to be getting more hours at work too. More money I have to save for the cruise. I am trying to keep myself busy, because I am starting to miss Patrick more and more. It kills me to not be able to talk to him when I want to. He told me not to get fat while he is gone, because girls usually eat their feelings.. haha. So I am doing the opposite. I really can't wait for him to come home.

I just want to punch everyone in the face

I don't have class until 10, but somehow I know I will still not be ready on time. I didn't read this stupid book we have a quiz on. It's really pissing me off. I just want to punch someone, or something I guess. I had a dream last night that I was at this church with Cody.. It was weird. Then we got in his car and we were driving and somehow it turned into my car. And Maddie, my dog, was running next to the car because he wouldn't let her get in the car. I looked towards the back of my car and there was a beehive in my back window. He slammed on the brakes and the beehive came flying forward and I couldn't get the door open to get it out. I finally got it out of the car, after being stung by a bee. Then I saw another bee and I hit it. I woke up right after that. That was an awkward dream.

That is why

I can not wait to graduate, and be away from high school bulls***. I can't wait to go off to college and meet new people. I'm not even included in this bs that I'm talking about, but just seeing it is annoying. I'm pretty sure I don't like the word "best friend" either, because that too is a load of crap. I don't know what it is, but I just have a resentment towards being best friends with anyone. I have close friends, but I just can't have that one best friend again. I had her.. a while ago, but I don't know what happened to her.. :/

and all I freaking want is one email from Patrick.

New Blog!

I've been writing this blog for Patrick since he has been gone and I am pretty excited about it.
:)

war movies

I have been feeling a little lonely the past few days. I haven't talked to Patrick in 2 days or something. I miss him. Madeline, my new dog, is keeping me company though. She sleepes in bed with me all night. I love her.
It has only been a week and I wish Patrick were here already. I don't want him to be gone for so long.
On a positive note, Madeline does not have heartworms. Which I am very happy about. I think I am going to try to pay attention to this stupid movie. Way of War, or whatever it is  called. I don't know what is going on. It is slow and boring, and stupid.
This is the second stupid war movie we have watched. We watched The Hurt Locker last night. I fell asleep after the exciting stuff happened. It had a bad ending.

I need someone

I want to this freakin' working out thing to work now. I want to be thinner and healthier. I want my body to shrink now! I feel so bad about myself today. I could just cry today. I emailed Patrick earlier. Then we talked on Gmail chat for a few minutes, but he just signed off. Then my mom told me he was on Facebook, so I got my computer and Facebook would not work on my computer, or Jody's, and I finally got it to work on my mom's. I IMed him and said, "hey." He told me it was bad timing and that he had to go. I just wanted to cry. I miss talking to him so much. I miss seeing him. I miss holding his hand. I miss kissing him. I miss him making me laugh. I miss everything.... and its only been a week. I can't even begin to imagine how the next 8 months are going to be. I'm not saying I can't make it for that long. I can, it is just going to be very lonely and very hard. I honestly don't even want to be around anyone. My chest is starting to hurt, I need to quit worrying. I want to stay in my room and lay in bed. But I know that I can't do that, and this work out thing.. I need to do this. Mostly for me, to make myself feel better about me and my body.

Something that makes me feel better is that I don't have to sleep alone tonight. This afternoon Austin and Jordan were outside and their mom found this dog, so they brought it to the house. She is so sweet. I gave her a bath and everything. She smells so pretty now. She is laying in bed with me sleeping. We are calling her Maddie. I love her already. Jody thinks she might be someone's dog, so if she is we obviously can't keep her. I really hope she is just a stray though, because I want to keep her more than anything. I need someone to keep my company until August.

I feel like I'm going to cry, but I'm trying not because I know I won't be able to stop.

Hello healthy

I have recently decided to get healthy. Emilee and I have been working out and will continue to do so from now until.... forever basically. I am eating healthy and I feel good about it. I am so motivated, excited, and proud of myself. This morning for breakfast I ate an english muffin and egg white and a piece of ham on it. For lunch Emilee and I went to Subway before we went to the gym. For dinner I had a turkey and arugula leaves on wheat pita bread and a glass of v8 vegetable juice. I can't wait to lose weight and get some muscles, and look absolutely amazing for Patrick when he comes home in 8 months:) I miss him so much. I want him to be in shock when he sees me.

It's starting

The loneliness is coming on strong. Today is the first day I haven't gotten to talk to Patrick, and I know I won't get to talk to him much at all. I would be lucky to talk to him anytime soon. I am so sad. He emailed me this morning and told me about his day and said that he was waiting for their next plane. After that he never got back on. I could cry. But that won't help me get this paper done, so I will have to put it off until I finish. Even though this entire paper is all about Patrick.

hmm.... :/

Things are good

I am feeling pretty great. Aside from cramps. I am not lonely, at least not yet. I do miss Patrick a lot though. But for the most part I can honestly say I am happy. I think it is because of this ring. I keep looking at it and it is just so pretty, it makes me smile and feel glad that I have someone that loves me enough to put a ring on my finger;) Even though it isn't that kind of ring yet. He is so cute, I miss him. I have never been so happy. I'm so in love with him and I can't wait for the next 8 months to be over already.

I can't stop

I am sitting here, in E building, listening to my iPod and waiting for Emilee to get out of class so we can go for lunch. I can't stop thinking about Patrick. I feel sad that he is gone, but I'm happy that I can say he is mine. I'm happy that I can look at pictures of us and they make me smile. I am so happy, all because of him. Even if looking at these our pictures makes me cry, they also make me smile. And for the next 8 months I am going to keep looking at them and I am going to keep smiling.

This song just came on..

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one

8 months

Depression is beginning to work its way into my day already.

Friday night I stayed at Aunt Lena's house. We woke up at 3 in the morning to get showers and whatnot, and we left the house around 5 am. We packed our stuff in the car and started driving to Jacksonville, NC to see Patrick. It was a LONG drive, a little over 5 hours. When we got there Patrick met us at the hotel and we went to eat at O'Charley's. He really pissed me off right before this, while we were in his jeep. I was wearing sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a jacket. He asked me if I was going to change and I don't remember exactly how he said it, but it sounded really rude. So for part of our lunch I didn't talk to him. He kept leaning over telling me he loved and that I was pretty and stuff. After that I had to talk to him. I spent the rest of the day with him. We got his head shaved, because it looked awful the way it was shaved, and now it just looks funny. But it's still cute. That night we went to see The Tooth Fairy. It was such a cute movie. After the movie I helped him pack, well kind of. I slept more than anything. We had to wake up really early and put everything in his jeep. We stood around for a little while, and I held back my tears the entire time until he really had to leave. I couldn't hold them in anymore. I hugged and kissed him goodbye for the last time for 8 months. That was the hardest thing in the world, watching him walk away knowing I won't see him again for a long time. When we left we got lost on base and it took forever to find our way out. After another long drive we made it back to Aunt Lena's house. I got in my car and drove home in the rain. After I got a shower and got ready, I went to work. On my way there I cried the whole time. Everytime I changed the song on my iPod it was either a song that reminded me of Patrick or a song that he would sing when it came on. When i got to work me and Wayne were talking about Patrick. I told him that 8 months was a long time, and he said that if its something that I think is going to last forever then it really isn't a long time. He is kind of right. I still miss him more than anything though and of course I am worried. I don't think anyone wants their boyfriend going somewhere for 8 months knowing that they are going to be shot at. That is what upsets me the most. I will be alright though, I just have to pray and try not to worry. I can do that.

I'm in love

I forgot how much I loved black diamonds until I saw these. I am so in love.

Basically,

I want to just sleep forever, like Snow White. I have so much laundry to do tonight. I have no jeans to wear this weekend, so I guess I had better get moving on that.

I am pretty excited about this weekend. Tomorrow I am going to spend the night at Aunt Lena's and then Saturday morning Aunt Lena, Uncle Chuck, Pam, and myself are going to Camp Lejeune to see Patrick:) He is leaving Sunday though, which I am not happy about whatsoever. It'll be alright though.

10 minutes later....

I started writing this blog a little bit ago, and my mood has taken a slight turn. I am annoyed now. That's all I have to say right now. I need to wash clothes.

Oh, and if I were Snow White I would probably never wake up, because no one would come kiss me. Simply because he can't have a conversation with me on the phone and really listen to me, or not talk to anyone else. Because he "has important things to say to other people" during our phone calls. So I would put a sign next to where I was sleeping that said, "Don't wake me up because I would rather sleep than listen to your conversations with everyone else while I'm on the phone with you."

Okay, I'm really done blogging now.

This is me, it has been for most of the week, and probably will be for the rest of the week. Maybe even the next month.

I feel like my eyes just won't stay open today. I'm glad we didn't have volleyball or I would have died. I have been grumpy today, its not even that I was in a bad mood. I was actually happy. I am just so darn tired that it made me sound cranky. I have a bunch of homework to do, but I am too lazy to do it. I think I am going to take a nap first.

Stupid Yellow Jeeps

I hate yellow Jeeps with a passion now. Thanks to Patrick and his bad luck.

A little background info: Patrick switched jeeps with a guy over Christmas so the other guy had more room and needed something more comfortable since he had like a 9 hour drive. Patrick came home in this stupid yellow Jeep Wrangler, hit some black ice, and then a guard rail. The bumpers were messed up and the front fender needed to be touched up with paint. Now the guy is being the biggest dick about it and I would like to punch him in the face.

Today, Patrick called me before eight this morning. I went to his house, crawled into bed with him and went to sleep. We woke up and had to take the Jeep to his cousin's to get it fixed. Meanwhile, I drove him around all day, doing different things he needed to get done. His taxes, stuff for the Jeep, and other stuff. When we finally finished everything we went back to his house and just lounged around until it was time to go pick up the Jeep. Around nine last night, we picked up the Jeep and then went to my house. My mom talked to Patrick forever, like she always does when he is here. Then we came to my room and cuddled up and watched The Breakup. We both fell asleep and Patrick said he was going to leave around midnight. Then he changed it to one. So I kept waking up to make sure he woke up in time. But he kept going to back sleep and I fell asleep again. He finally started to get up around 1:40. He left and I fell back to sleep. A few minutes later my mom came barging in my room and turned my light on and said I needed to go outside and something about Patrick. I was half asleep so I don't know what she said, but I walked out there and Patrick was in our ditch with the Jeep. The right back side was in the air. Jody and I stood on the bumper and tried to get it down, but it didn't work. Jody got this rope thing and hooked it onto the bumper of the jeep and to the bumper of his work truck. He pulled him out of the ditch and Patrick looked frustrated. He was like that all day today, and I hate that. I just want him to be happy and not so stressed about everything.

That was my day, in a nutshell. I can finally go to sleep.

Goodnight.

my hair

looks awful.

its okay, it looks bad because i've been messing with it all day.

but idk if i like it on me.

"Clean your room!"

That is all I ever hear. So that it what I should be doing right now, but low and behold, I am not. I will get to it eventually before I go to sleep.

Patrick is coming home tomorrow, and if I want to do anything with him this weekend I have to clean! As of right now, our last date for the next 8 months is going to be a movie date. I always get mad because I never get to pick the movie. I just feel bad this time because Patrick is leaving, so we are going to see what he wants to see, which is The Book of Eli. I am actually kind of excited about seeing it, so I will post something about it after I see it.

I feel like I haven't complained in a while. So here it goes... I hate cleaning, I think I should be able to keep my room however I choose to. That is basically my only complaint for today, I am somewhat proud of myself. Haha.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, these are some ideas of how I might want it:

This is my favorite. Cute, don't you think?

Second Favorite

3rd fave

4th, kind of cute. Not me though, I don't think.

"Quote"

I just found this on a lady's blog post from a few weeks ago, and I like it.

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
~ Abraham Lincoln

Oh

This weekend Patrick brought his friend, Dan, home with him. It was a fun weekend. Most of it anyway. Emilee spent the night with me Sunday after we hung out with the boys. I am sad because I am not going to see Patrick until he comes back from Afghanistan. He didn't leave yet, but he will be leaving soon. It will be okay though. I have plenty to keep me busy, I'm sure my business class will take a lot of my free time away.
Hmmm...

oh, boys.

They are so cute. At least mine is anyway.

Why does he have to be so cute, especially at times when I just want to punch him.

I guess his cuteness makes up for everything he does that annoys me:) But I'm happy, and that's all that matters. Right?

I love my boy.

Spring Semester

Kill me please. Put me out of my misery. This semester is going to be hell. I have six classes. Latin 2, Psychology, Expository Writing, Volleyball, Introduction to Business, and Introduction to Sociology. I don't really care about how many classes I have, basically because I chose to take them. But Patrick isn't going to be here. That just makes everything worse. I won't have anyone to call and complain to about my day, or my work, or my classes. I am dreading it. It'll be alright though. I'm just really complaining about everything today because I had to wake up so early. I was running late, I almost hit a parked car, and I almost locked my keys in my car. Good job Ciera, you're real bright today.

I like Patrick's friend, Dan. Simply because he is awesome. Patrick called me and woke me up at like 7:10 this morning and gave me this lecture about how I should be motivated. I should wake up early, get ready, have breakfast made for the family, and be ready to go way before it is time to leave. His friend got the phone and told me that I should be lazy, procrastinate, throw on sweat pants and a t-shirt and my Uggs with ankle socks. He is freakin' awesome, and apparently knows me all too well. Haha. Because that is exactly what I was doing. I woke up and I already had on sweats and a t-shirt, and my boots were right outside my door. So now, we are Bff's.

I should be doing my latin right now, but like last semester, I'm going to procrastinate and wait until the last minute like I do with everything. There are so many people in here! I need to go to English soon though, thank God.

When I get married

This is where I want to go on my honeymoon. The Ritz in London. This is the cutest place I've ever seen.

And this is the room I want.

It's going to be a long 7 months

The past few weeks have been so perfect. Well, besides arguing with Patrick the other night. I felt so awful about that afterwards. I was at his house and he was supposed to come over to my house that night. He was really tired, and I was really mad because I wanted him to come over. I pouted and complained and guilted him into coming. He got mad at me, even though he said he wasn't mad. I can tell when he is mad, he acts different and he gets this face. So he got his wallet and keys, and he got in his Jeep. It's probably a good thing we didn't ride in the same car because I would have probably made it worse just because I was being so cranky. I felt like such an awful girlfriend while I was driving to my house.

He came over last night too. I got off of work at 5 and I went to his house. We packed all of his stuff up and put it in the Jeep. After saying goodbye to his mom, I got in my car and he got in his. I went to my house to start making dinner, because I told him I wanted to make him dinner one night. I made deer steaks, green beans, and macaroni and cheese. While I did that, he went to roller palace to pick up Jordan so that I could make dinner. He finally got here and we ate and in my opinion, I did an awesome job. After watching Beer for My Horses and The Marine 2 he had to leave. So once again, he is 5 hours away... and I'm here. I didn't want to let him go last night. I hate this. I don't want him to leave me for 7 months. On the bright side, I don't have to worry about shaving my legs as much. I am really going to miss him, but I think I'll be alright. I will just need to find things to keep me busy.

I really want my ring back so that I can wear it. I still have to wait like 24 more days.

Now I'm sitting here watching the videos from New Years. They were so cute, Patrick is so cute. He makes me smile.

Goodbye

2009.

Hello, 2010.

I brought in the new year with Jenny's family, Jody, mom, and Patrick. It was amusing. I didn't really think of a resolution, mostly because when I do make one I don't follow through with it. But I am going to find one that I will follow through with...

After long consideration, or 5 minutes of thinking, my resolution is going to be my attitude. I am going to change my attitude, and how I get mad about stupid things easily.

But I'm exhausted, so goodnight bloggers. And happy new year.